


Sincerely, you.

by Aciel



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Anxiety Attacks, Anxiety Disorder, Connor Deserves Happiness, Connor Has Anger Issues, Connor Lives, Depression, F/F, How Do I Tag, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Mental Health Issues, POV First Person, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Simon vs AU, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-23
Updated: 2018-04-16
Packaged: 2018-11-18 03:12:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 10
Words: 21,259
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11282601
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aciel/pseuds/Aciel
Summary: “Evan Hansen was a pitiful nobody with no friends. Therefore he will not be missed.” Or something like that would probably all that will be said at my funeral.Inspired by Simon vs the homo sapiens agenda. This will be very sad. Obviously OCC (because we don't really know Connor). Also Evan is way more cynical than in the play.





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> This is the very first time I publish something on AO3 so I don't really know what I'm doing, sorry. Also, I haven't written fanfictions in a very long time so this might not be good.
> 
> Also this is only the prologue so it's rather short, I promise the next chapters will be longer (or rather I promise I'll /try/ to make the chapters longer).

“Evan Hansen was a pitiful nobody with no friends. Therefore he will not be missed.” Or something like that would probably all that will be said at my funeral. What else is there to say? That my mother will miss me and be destroyed because she’d have lost her child? Let’s be completely honest here, my mother would probably be the most delighted to know that I’m gone. Because I’m nothing but a burden to her. Without me, she wouldn’t have to work as much as she does just to pay for my medications.

Do the pills even work? As far as I’m concerned, they just make me feel dull and numb. But the anxiety is still there, just sleeping inside of me, waiting for a single incident to be awakened.  
Will I even be more than I’ve always been? Will I ever stop being the anxious kid with depressive thoughts? Or am I doomed to a life of unhappiness? Because if the last option is the one I’m forced to live with, is there any reason to live at all?

Siting at the top of the tallest tree, I feel at ease. Like my mind is free from all the horrible thoughts I always have. I feel numb. More than usual. Like my mind is finally at ease. 

“When you’re falling in a forest and there’s nobody around, do you ever really crash or even make a sound?” I wonder. I’ve tried everything. I’ve waved at every window, tried to be noticed by just one single person. But nobody sees me, nobody waves back. 

I unlock my phone and go to my blog, on my school’s website. It’s anonymous, so sometimes I post about trees, books and every other things that I enjoy. But nobody notices me even when my name isn’t attached to my posts. I’ve always thought that no one deserved to be forgotten, but I guess sometimes, you just can’t help it. No one deserves to fade away, but it just happens and you can't do anything about it. 

I publish a last post. A last trace of me. A momentum for whoever finds out who I was.

“When you’re falling in a forest and there’s nobody around, do you ever really crash or even make a sound?

Sincerely,  
Me”

And I jump.


	2. Weird nature metaphors.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "So, I woke up. Because of course I couldn’t die from falling out of a tree."  
> Also, weird metaphors about plants and a weird e-mail.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Proof reading is for nerds.
> 
> Seriously though, please tell me if things don't make sense, because they usually don't with me.
> 
> Also THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THE KUDOS! 
> 
> (I know I say "also" a lot, please ignore it.)

I think I might be dead, for a minute or two. When I opened my eyes, I was only blinded by the white light of the neon of the hospital room. There’s no sound. It almost seems peaceful. But the aching pain in my arm proves one thing: I’m well alive. I don’t know how I got here, and to be completely honest, I don’t think I even want to know, at least I don’t have to worry about being an inconvenience to anyone.

So, I woke up. Because of course I couldn’t die from falling out of a tree. This was obvious from the start and yet I still thought I could manage to do it for some reason. I guess I really am stupid.  
I feel bad now. Because I finally realise what I’ve done. I’ve tried to end my life. By falling out of a tree no less. I guess some twisted mind might appreciate the irony of it all. The kid who loves tree ended up falling from one. Right, “falling”.

 

I always loved nature as a kid. Nature in general, I found it beautiful. But now, it’s the more subtle things that I love the most. The damaged trees, the ones no one else love. I brag about trees a lot, because I had to learn a lot for my job as a ranger. Being a tree expert suits me, but the things I love the most about nature is when it comes out when it’s not supposed to: the plants growing out of little pavement cracks. They’re unpredictable, but they’re beautiful. No one wants them here, yet they make every place look better. That’s probably why I love abandoned places so much, no one is here to remove the nature taking back it’s place, it’s doing whatever it wants, growing at its own pace.  
I feel like their existence can be perceived as a metaphor for people like me: misfits. People are trying so hard to remove us, to make us disappear or appear like us. We’re not all pretty, but we’re there, staining their picture perfect reality. But each one of us is different. Sure, sometime there’s weed, bad grass growing out and ruining the landscape, because it’s messy and uncontainable. But most of the time, it’s not even that bad, but people forget to appreciate it, or they don’t want to. Or maybe I’m not making sense and the drugs in my veins are frying my brain.

If you sleep for twelve hours and when you wake up you only want to go back to sleep, would that be considered a coma? Because that sounds quite promising to me right now. But I guess I just can’t have nice things because my phone is buzzing like crazy and it’s distracting me. Why can’t I just turn it off and go to sleep? Why must I be worried about what may be on my screen? As far as my social life goes, it must be filled with notifications about sales in the nearby store because I was too nervous not to give my number to the lady who wanted to update the customers more efficiently.

Thank god, the light on the screen isn’t as blinding as I expected them to be. I’m quite surprised to see that I have a message on my blog. Probably a spam, I’ve already received the one from “Emily :-)” the game designer. I wonder who that might be now.

 

> **Hey, I don’t know your name, so I’ll just call you “You” for the moment. I know what you meant by your last post, or at least, I feel like I know. I don’t know if I’m too late or just in time but I want you to know that you’ve made a sound. It may have only reached me, but I’ve heard it loud and clear.**
> 
> **If I’m not too late, please e-mail me at: the.landoftears@gmail.com. That’s my e-mail address and I honestly feel like we could both use a friend. I’m on the edge myself and maybe we can help out each other get up?**
> 
> **Please, even if you don’t plan on being friends, could you respond just so I know you’re still alive?**
> 
>  
> 
> **Sincerely,**
> 
> **Me. (sorry I stole your signature, but it was easier than to come up with one myself.)**

 

 

Alright so definitely not what I was expecting. What should I do? Is this a scam? It doesn’t look like one though. But what if I say yes to being friends and that person ends up hating me? Just like Jared did a few years back? Sure, he doesn’t say it, but I’ve noticed the way he looks at me all the time, like he’s annoyed just by the mere sight of me. I’d probably feel the same if I had a friend like me too.  
But that person said that they felt the same. What if I don’t answer and they end killing themselves? I can’t be responsible for someone’s death! I didn’t even want to be responsible for my own and ended blaming the whole world in order to take the blame off my shoulders.

After all, nothing bad can come out of an Internet friendship, right? If I just don’t tell them my name, maybe it’ll be alright. No one ever suspects the lonely nerd to be the one with suicidal tendencies, it’s way too obvious anyway.

 

> **FROM: anxiousacorn@gmail.com**  
>  **TO: the.landoftears@gmail.com**  
>  **DATE: July 21 at 6:34 PM**  
>  **SUBJECT: Waving back.**
> 
> **You (you stole my signature so I have no name for you either),**
> 
> **You were too late (in a way). But lucky you, poor me, I survived the fall. And maybe that was for the best if I get a friend out of it. But one thing I don’t understand: you only know that I’ve tried to kill myself, why would you want to be friends with me for that sole reason? I get that you feel the same way I do about life but surely you know I’m probably not the only depressed kid in our school? Or do you plan on being friends with every suicidal kid in our high school? Because if that is the case, I might get worried I may end up worse off than if I had succeeded in ending my life. Are you going to kidnap me if I tell you where I am in a future conversation?**
> 
> **Please respond, I really care about my safety and my life, clearly.**
> 
> **Sincerely,**
> 
> **Me. (But you can call me Lefen if you want, or perhaps that’s too casual?)”**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The gang will appear in the next chapter, I hope. There'll be Galaxy Gals but only establish, after all, the fic is about Evan and Connor's relationship (and probably a bit of Connor and Zoe's relationship because they deserve to get along and I love them).
> 
> Please leave a comment to tell me if it's bad.


	3. Evan is being really gay while attempting at friendship.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan is stressed out, Blue is his first friend and also an asshole.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, a new chapter after like, 3 months? Consistent schedule? I don't know her. Sorry for being so slow at writing, I was working every day for the whole summer and tbh I wasn't feeling really good. But I'm back! Also, I'm back to uni so I'll probably update faster (keep 'probably' in mind because I'm a compulsive liar :D)
> 
> ANyways, I'm sorry. Also I didn't proofread this (again) so this is really raw or whatever.
> 
> Idk, I'm high.
> 
> Also, I wrote this while high in my room, it might be really bad, sorry in advance if you had any good expectations for this fic.

At first, when I woke up, I forgot about my arm. I forgot that everything was bad. I forgot that I had anxiety and that I wanted to die. I’m always peaceful in the morning, because my mind is clouded by sleepiness and it’s hard to remember that you’re usually stressed about everything. But it always comes back. And I feel bad all over again. I guess my cast doesn’t really help. It’s locked around my arm, like a reminder of my stupidity.

 

But in some way, I feel a little bit better now. Because I have _Blue._ I have a friend. A real friend who’s talking to me because he wants to. I’ve talked to him everyday for a whole month. We don’t know a lot about each other, at least concerning our “public” (?) lives. We know each other’s personality, likes and dislikes. The only think he doesn’t know about me is my name and the way that I look, and it’s the same for me. It somehow makes it easier. I can lie if I want to, though I don’t think I would ever lie to _him._ I like him, he’s my first real friend. He’s not like Jared, who only talks to me for his car’s insurance, not like my mom, who _has_ to take care of me. He genuinely likes me, or at least, that’s what he told me.

 

The first day of senior year is approaching, and I’m even more anxious than usual, which is understandable because it’s the start of a new year, the last year of high school. And mom wants me to send letters to universities and get a scholarship with essays and I don’t even know what I want to do next year and overall the situation makes me anxious. Blue told me not to worry about things like that. That no teenager knows what they want to do, that we would figure it out together. And knowing that Blue will be with me no matter what helps me process everything a lot easier.

But even if knowing Blue has calmed me down a lot, knowing that he goes to my school, that I might know (well, not know but I might have seen him at least once) scares me. Because what if we talk during the year? What if he finds out I’m Lefen? What if he hates the real me who stutters and is even more anxious than he lets on? What if he’s Jared? And he _knows_. What if everything is just one big joke like usual?

 

Blue only _seems_ sincere. He can be fake. There’s no guarantee he’s a real person.

 

“Get out of your head, Evan.”

 

It almost feel as if he’s the one who’s talking. Because the voice seems so far away. Like it’s not real. Everything is fading around me and I’m just realising the fact that I’m not breathing well. But it’s too late to calm myself down now. My mind is hazy and it hurts. It hurts so much. And I can’t even scream, no one would hear. It feels as if I’m disappearing. The darkness is taking over and I feel myself falling.

 

Mom is the one who woke me up. I don’t know where I am at first. She seems upset, in the worst kind of way. In the “I thought you were getting better but turns out you’re still a burden” kind of way. She helps me into my room, tucks me into bed like a kid, because that’s just what I am to her, a stupid kid who can’t do anything alone.

 

“Evan, you’ll be alright, you just take your meds and go to sleep.”

“I’m so sor- sorry. Mom. I’m try- trying.”

“I know you are, honey. You’ll get there someday. It’s okay.”

 

I know she’s lying, she doesn’t know how sorry I am. How I wished I wouldn’t bother her anymore.

I grab my phone after she leaves the room. Blue told me he could be my lifeboat. When I feel like I’m sinking in my own mind, I could talk to him.

 

* * *

 

 

 

> **FROM: anxiousacorn@gmail.com**
> 
> **TO: the.landoftears@gmail.com**
> 
> **DATE: August 26 at 8:57 PM**
> 
> **SUBJECT: In need of a tiny lifeboat.**
> 
>  
> 
> **Dear Blue,**
> 
> **I’ve felt like drowning lately. Too many things in my mind I guess. And you told me I could talk to you. But maybe I’m bothering you, so if that’s the case, please tell me or ignore this email. I wouldn’t want to lose the only friendship I’ve had in years. I think about the new school year that’s about to start and it terrifies me. Because I might meet you, without knowing it’s you, and you might hate who I really am. I know I wouldn’t hate you, because really, unless you’re really an axe-murderer, I wouldn’t be able to hate you. I mean, you could be the biggest asshole to me and I’d still crave for your friendship. You don’t to say I’m pathetic, I know that already. In any cases, I’m glad you don’t really know who I am, because even though I’m not lying to you about anything, I still feel as if I’m deceiving you because you can’t notice my stutter or my sweaty hands through emails.**
> 
> **By the way, do you sometimes think about how I look like? I know I think about what you might look like sometimes, it might sound weird but I think about you a lot (not in a weird way, I assure you) but still. Maybe it’s because you’re my first real friend and I don’t know how to act about this fact.Or maybe I’m just weird. In any cases, Blue, I want you to know that I’m really thankful for you and for what you’ve done for me for the last month. And I hope we will remain friends during this new school year.**
> 
> **Sincerely, me.**
> 
>  

* * *

 

 

 

> **FROM: the.landoftears@gmail.com**
> 
> **TO: anxiousacorn@gmail.com**
> 
> **DATE: August 26 at 10:14 PM**
> 
> **SUBJECT: Re: In need of a tiny lifeboat.**
> 
> **Dear Lefen,**
> 
>  
> 
> **Don’t worry about me getting annoyed at you because it’ll never happen. You’re also my first real friend and even if sometimes I might get irritated, just be aware that you’ll never be the cause. Unless you do a really shitty thing to me but I believe you’d be too anxious to ever do that. Or maybe you’re lying to me and you know who I am, and you’ve been collecting proofs that I’m a freak so you’ll be able to show off to everyone at the beginning of school?**
> 
> **I’m just kidding. I’m paranoid but not to that point. Plus, there is absolutely no way you could know who I am.**
> 
> **Back on track: yes, I do sometimes wonder what you look like. What you sound like, if you could like the real (asshole) me. I think not to be honest. I think someone as insecure and nice as you would never get along with pushy, irritable and blunt me. You don’t know how hard it is not to be an asshole when it’s all you’ve been all your life. And when I say that, I don’t mean that I’m lying to you or anything, it’s just that I’m trying to get better and believe it or not but these emails that we share really help me.**
> 
> **I wonder if we’ll ever find out who we are respectively. I hope that if we do, I’ll be the person I want to be. I also sometimes hope that we meet during this year without knowing who the other is, and I dream of us becoming friends without needing to reveal our secret emails. I want us to become friends like normal, really. I have to admit, it’s pretty cheesy but that’s what I’d want. I wonder if you feel the same.**
> 
> **Sincerely, me.**
> 
> **Ps: I really like you too you know.**

 

* * *

 

 

 

>  
> 
> **FROM: anxiousacorn@gmail.com**
> 
> **TO: the.landoftears@gmail.com**
> 
> **DATE: August 26 at 11:12 PM**
> 
> **SUBJECT: Re: Re: In need of a tiny lifeboat.**
> 
> **I absolutely feel the same about you Blue! I really wish that we can become friends this year. I have this picture in my head of both of us, sitting under a tree, just talking like we’re doing now, but in real life. And then, one of us says something that gets the other to just _know_. Know that we’ve been looking around for each other all along. You know, just talking to you like that made all my doubts disappear. It seems like you’re my best friend even if we’ve only known each other for a month. I hope that me saying that doesn’t make you uncomfortable but I can’t help feeling like this. You make me want to go back to school and I think that’s really a miracle.**
> 
> **Sincerely, me.**
> 
>  

* * *

 

 

 

> **FROM: the.landoftears@gmail.com**
> 
> **TO: anxiousacorn@gmail.com**
> 
> **DATE: August 26 at 11:37 PM**
> 
> **SUBJECT: Night.**
> 
> **At first I didn’t want to send this because it really doesn’t matter but I’m high and I wanted you to know that your last email sounded really gay. Sorry not sorry.**
> 
> **Sincerely, me.**
> 
> **Ps: told you I was an asshole.**

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jared is going to appear in the next chapter, also maybe Zoe and Alana. 
> 
> Also I just noticed this chapter was really short. I'll try writing longer chapters.
> 
> Bye I guess.


	4. But here we are first day of senior year!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Who said High school wasn't fun? (Everyone, High school sucks). Evan tries to make a friend. It goes as well as expected. Also, Connor is here. He's an asshole, for a change.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all your kind words after the note I published a few days ago. I finally finished that chapter and I really will try my best to be more regular with my publishing schedule. I hope you enjoy this chapter. Hopefully it's not too short and it was kind of worth the wait.

               First day of senior year. _Ô joyful day_. Or rather stressful. I know I said that I was excited to go back to meet Blue, but now that today is the day, I don’t feel so good anymore. More like I wouldn’t mind getting hit by a car on the way to the school or something. I’m even more stressed about Jared, who doesn’t know about my cast, and who’ll probably ask questions or maybe he’ll just not care. After all, he said we were not _friends_.

I don’t know what happened to us. One day we were the best of friends and the other he just started ignoring me like I was the plague. Middle school was already hell as it was but without Jared it was even worse. No one could tell the other kids to leave me alone, and since I couldn’t do anything for myself either at that time (not that I can do anything for myself now to be honest) I was just bullied for two whole years. He suddenly talked to me again back in junior year but it wasn’t the same. This time I was just a way for him to get his mom to pay for his car insurance. I guess I was okay with that. I guess I still am. Or maybe, I’m just too scared to cut all ties I have with Jared. Because even if he’s mean and cruel to me, he’s still my childhood friend, and I still like talking to him. I see Jared walking towards me with a smug smile. I take a deep breath as he begins to talk.

 

“Hey Evan. How was your summer? What’s up with your arm?”

“Oh. Hum. H-hi Jared. I- hum- It was fine. Yeah. Ho- how was yours?”

“Nice. I got to second base with a girl from camp. Though I’m not sure we’ll ever see each other again. But that’s how summer romance works I guess. So, are you going to tell me what happened to your arm and should I guess?”

“Oh. Hum you see- I- I broke it. I fell out- out of a tree.”

“You fell out of a tree? What are you, an acorn? Oh my God.”

He let out a nasally laugh.

“So appart from working, I’m guessing you spend your entire summer thinking about your pitiful love life and crush on Zoe Murphy, huh?”

“What? No that- that’s not what happened? In- in fact, I’ve ma-made a… friend? This summer?”

“Wait you actually socialised with someone other than me? Do tell, acorn, I’m curious to know the name of your newfound friend.”

The way he said it clearly showed he didn’t believe me. And I couldn’t really blame him. Even I had a hard time believing I had a real friend.

“Well, you see, the thing is… We don- don’t really know each other’s name? We- we started talking- hum- on the internet? And- and we’ve been emailing for 2 months now? Yeah.”

“What, so you have a secret lover whom you exchange secret emails with? Well that is something.”

“We- we’re not _lovers_? Jared why would you say that? We’re -hum- friends and he- he’s really nice and he- he goes to our school? But- but I don’t know who he is so.”

“So basically you’re getting catfished? Right? Acorn you need to realise that there’s literally no one nice in this school. There’s no way this ‘friend’ you’re talking to is actually real.”

“No. No, he’s really nice? And also he- he has a lot of mental health issues? Like me? So maybe, you know, maybe he’s just someone who no one notices? Like- like me?”

Jared laughs once again. And I think I know why. Because even I notice everyone at this school. The misfits, the cool kids, the stoners, the nerds. I may not know everyone’s name, but I know everyone. Because I’m a wallflower. Ha. Calling myself a wallflower, as if I’m someone special. As if I’m not the the most basic and forgettable human being in this school. I see everything when no one even know I even exist, how pathetic is that?

And I don’t know who Blue is. _Blue_ is nice, even though he says he’s an asshole. He told me he had anger issues, and just like I struggle talking to people in real life, he says he can’t keep a conversation without getting mad. Just like me, he doesn’t have any friends. And I don’t know anyone at school who would would fit this description. Everything I know about Blue makes me think he could never go to my school. Because I would’ve noticed him. Because someone like Blue is special. You can’t not notice _him_.

“Hey Acorn, what if your “ _friend_ ” is the Murphy freak playing a prank on you? I mean, how rich would that be?”

I freeze, at first. Because, what if it’s someone playing a prank on me? What if someone wants to play with the suicidal kid? Maybe that person is waiting to find out who I am just to reveal it everyone else? No. No. Blue wouldn’t. He wouldn’t do that to me. Because he would dig his own grave in the process. Because we both told each other secrets. No matter what Jared tells me: I know Blue.

And Connor Murphy, the “ _Murphy freak_ ” wouldn’t do that. He wouldn’t even bother with someone like me. Unlike Jared, I’m not scared of him. If anything, I think we could be friend, if we even tried to talk to each other. Because we’re very alike, at least from what I’ve been able to see. He’s a loner, but he doesn’t seem to care about that. He doesn’t seem to care about anything. And sometimes I wish I could be like him.

Thinking about it a little longer, I realise that I’m jealous of the Murphys. They are everything I wish I was: confident, careless (but in a good way), not anxious in the least. Zoe has many friends and she’s amazing. Connor doesn’t care about anything and yet manage to survive. Sometimes, I see the longing in his eyes, and it feels familiar because I see it when I look in the mirror. We’re both lonely beings. We’re both sad. Maybe this is what will change this year. Maybe I will try to befriend Connor Murphy. And maybe he’ll reject me (not that I would blame him for that), but at least, I will try. Or I think I will. And when I tell Blue, he’ll be proud of me. Because I’m putting myself out there. And mom will not have to worry about me spending the weekends alone.

“Hey Connor, I like the new hair! Very— ‘school-shooter’ chic!”

Jared’s voice suddenly get me out of my head. And I notice Connor in the hallway. Staring at _us_.

“It was a joke?” Jared adds as Connor doesn’t react in the least.

“Yeah no I know, it was funny. I’m laughing, can’t you tell?”

His voice is so calm, I can see Jared backing away.

“Am I not laughing hard enough for you?”

He steps towards the both of us. And I must admit, even I am a bit scared. Connor’s voice is so calm, devoid of any emotions. Jared laughs nervously before taking another step back.

“You’re such a freak.”

He laughs, before leaving. I don’t know what to do. I’m facing a really upset Connor Murphy and I can’t even do anything about it. I do the best thing I can do, the only thing I can do (?).

“I’m so sorry!”

“What?”

I think we’re both confused right now. I have no idea what to say to him.

“I’m so sorry about- about _Jared_? You- hum— he shouldn’t have said— hum— that? I’m sorry.”

“Why are you sorry? You think I’m a freak too, right?”

“NO!” I cringe as my voice got higher. “No, I— I don’t think you- you’re a _freak_. I—"

“Stop lying, you’re scared of me. Yo can’t even look into my eyes.”

His voice is still calm. But I can tell he’s still angry.

“I - hum- I’m not scared of- of _you_? Specifically? I’m — I’m scared of everyone? I— see, I have anxiety so…”

“So you’re not scared of me?” He sounds a little calmer now.

“Not more than— than anyone else?”

It sounds like a question. Everything I say sounds like a question.

“You’re weird, Hansen.”

And he leaves. I’m alone in the hallway before I realise I’m late for class. _Great_.

* * *

 

 

> **FROM: anxiousacorn@gmail.com**
> 
> **TO: the.landoftears@gmail.com**
> 
> **DATE: September 1st at 1:34 PM**
> 
> **SUBJECT: First day of Senior year aka ultimate death.**
> 
>  
> 
> **Dear Blue,**
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> **It’s only lunch break and I already want to die, why does high school have to suck so much? I hope the beginning of your first day went well. I can’t really say mine did. If anything, I tried to make a new friend. Key word being “ _tried_ ” because it obviously failed. I mean, at least I didn’t get killed so it’s a good thing? My family-friend (because having real friends is overrated) picked on this guy which already looks like he’s going through enough and I tried to defend him. But I’m me and only managed to make a fool of myself.**
> 
> **I wish I could talk to people without sounding “weird”. Please make me feel better by telling how your asshole-ness drove away potential friends like my anxiety does.**
> 
>  
> 
> **Sincerely, me.**

* * *

 

 

>  
> 
> **FROM: the.landoftears@gmail.com**
> 
> **TO: anxiousacorn@gmail.com**
> 
> **DATE: September 1st at 1:46 PM**
> 
> **SUBJECT: Re: First day of Senior year aka ultimate death.**
> 
>  
> 
> **Dear Lefen,**
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> **Thank Fuck your first day seems that have gone as badly as mine. Don’t take it the wrong way but I’m kind of glad you fucked up your first social interaction of the year because it makes me feel better about myself. I, too, managed to drive away a potential friend by scaring him. Guess I really am an asshole. I’m kind of disappointed because he really seemed like someone I could get along with. Maybe I didn’t scared him off too much and will be able to gain his friendship. Though I doubt it, the guy is a human teddy bear. I would be a terrible influence on him.**
> 
> **In any cases, I hope that you’re not locked inside some bathroom to avoid contact with anyone because I know how you get sometimes and I don’t want you to tell me you didn’t eat today because you were too scared to get food. I know it’s hard for you to do that but it’s really unhealthy. And I should know since I suffered from an eating disorder a few years ago. Please don’t go through that, I care about you too much. (I know I teased you because you sound gay sometimes and that sounded absolutely homosexual but _I am gay_ so I’m allowed.)**
> 
>  
> 
> **Sincerely, me.**
> 
> **Ps: Yes, I just came out to you.**

* * *

 

 

 

> **FROM: anxiousacorn@gmail.com**
> 
> **TO: the.landoftears@gmail.com**
> 
> **DATE: September 1st at 2:11 PM**
> 
> **SUBJECT: Fellow gay.**
> 
>  
> 
> **Blue,**
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> **I understand what you’re trying to tell me and I promise I’ll try to eat if that makes you feel better. Also, don’t worry about that guy, I’m sure he’ll be charmed by your wits and your endearing personality (I’m not actually trying to be sassy, after all, that’s how you charmed me.) and he’ll become your friend.**
> 
> **Let’s both hope we at least manage to speak to each other’s potential friend before the end of the year. I would have suggested the end of the week but I think that this morning’s social interaction drained me from my remaining energy.**
> 
> **Also, you do know that I was aware of your sexuality, right? I mean, last week you sent me dozens of pictures of Chris Evans, telling me how much you wanted him to father your children. Not that I blame you, I’m sure he would make a wonderful father.**
> 
> **By the way, I may not be gay but I’m bisexual, I don’t know if you noticed? Now that I think about it, you might be the first person to know. I don’t think I ever “came out” to anyone. Not that I’m ashamed but mostly because I didn’t have anyone to come out to? So thank you for that, I guess.**
> 
>  
> 
> **Sincerely, me.**

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please leave a comment to tell me if you liked this chapter. Also, I didn't proof-read it so please notify me if you spot any mistake. Remember that english is not my first language so not only is autocorrect a bitch, but I also sometimes don't know how to spell. I'm only human, after all. Also : WOW, DIALOGUES! (You may notice that I'm really bad at dialogue. But again, I'm really bad at writing so... ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯


	5. Boys really suck at friendship

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nothing really happens in this chapter, but really, does anything really happen in this fic?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, I didn't take months to write this? Perhaps it sucks. I wouldn't really know. Feel free to comment with fresh new memes.

I _know_ I have to write those letters for Dr. Sherman. I know they are important, but how can I say that today is going to be a good day when I really don’t believe it could be?

Sure, I could start by writing:

 

> _“Dear Evan Hansen,_
> 
> _today is going to be a good day and here’s why:_
> 
> _Because today, you tried to make to make a friend; but you utterly failed. And yes, you have Blue, and all your hope is pinned on Blue, who might not even be real. Or who might hate the real you.”_
> 
>  

I was fine this morning. I was doing good. These letters are supposed to help me, so why are they doing the exact opposite? Blue made me feel better, even the perspective of becoming Connor’s friend made me feel better. So why do I feel like everything falling appart right now? Blue _cares_ about me. Does he?

 

_Stop crying._

 

I can’t help the tears falling out of my eyes. I try to get them to stop, but they don’t. I can barely breathe right now.

 

_Stop crying._

 

I’m alone in the computer lab. My “letter” is displayed on the screen. It’s not even finished. I can’t finish it. I can’t make it sound like I’m doing fine.

 

> _“Dear Evan Hansen,_
> 
> _today is going to be a good day and here’s why:_
> 
> _it’s not. You’re not getting better. Your friend would be better off without you. He wouldn’t have to worry about you. You’re enough of a burden as it is. All my hope is pinned on him, hope that everything is going to get better, hope that I’ll be fine._
> 
> _But I won’t be. Because nothing I say ever matter. I wish anything I said mattered to anyone. Let’s face it, would anyone notice if I disappeared tomorrow? He probably would, but in the end, he would forget. He doesn’t need me like I need him. But I can’t keep bothering him. I’m holding him back._
> 
>  
> 
> _I should just erase myself from the narrative rather than try to get involved in the story._
> 
>  
> 
> _Sincerely, your best and dearest friend,_
> 
> _Me.”_
> 
>  

I stopped crying. My vision is still blurry, and my breathing still irregular and difficult. I feel hopeless. Just like I did this summer. Just like before I knew Blue.

I knew everything wouldn’t suddenly get better just because I have a friend. But it felt as if it could. Until I remembered this letter. Until I tried to see how today (or any day) could be a good day. Thinking about how I _have_ to get better just makes me even worse. And it shouldn’t? It should make me optimistic, it should make me think of ways to improve the day. But, ultimately, I know I can’t make this day better. I can’t do anything.

 

I print the letter. Because I feel too tired to change it, or try to write another one. I stare at the computer screen for a moment before I hear my phone ringing.

 

“Hi… Mom?”

“Hey Evan! How was your morning? Did you make new friends already?”

“Oh— hum, it was— great. Yeah great. I, hum, I talked to someone new? We’re not— we’re not friends or anything but… hum, we could be?”

“Oh that’s wonderful Evan! I’m proud of you! Hey, I’m sorry but I won’t be able to drive you to your appointment with Dr. Sherman today, I completely forgot that one of my colleague had the day off and, well, I volunteered myself to replace her, you know, to show them that I’m here, ha.”

 

She laughed a little, she always sounded exhausted, even when she tried to joke or make it seem like everything was okay.

 

“Oh, okay. I’ll take the bus then?”

“Yeah, or you could ask Jared to drive you, you know. He’s your friend, I’m sure he wouldn’t mind. Oh, and don’t forget to eat tonight. I’m sure there’s something you can warm up in the fridge. But if there’s nothing, I’m leaving you a 20 on the table, alright?”

“Yeah, that’s fine.”

“I love you, Evan”

“Love you too.”

 

Her talking about food made me remember I didn’t actually eat. But it was fine. I wasn’t hungry anyway. I know Blue wouldn’t approve of me skipping meals like that, but it’s not like it’s a problem. I’m just not hungry sometimes. And eating makes me stressed for some reason. Blue would probably say it’s all in my head. And I know it is, it always is. But I can’t help it. I can’t do anything about it.

 

“Hansen, what are you doing here all alone?”

 

It was Connor.

 

“Hum… Homework?” Once again, it sounds like a question.

“Are you sure, you don’t sound like it.”

“Yeah— hum. I’m just…”

“How did you break your arm?”

 

He sounds quite unsure. It seems like he doesn’t know wether or not he wants to continue this conversation.

 

“Oh hm, I fell? Out of a tree? — hm yeah.”

“Well, it’s almost the saddest thing I ever heard, oh my God.”

“Yeah, hum, it is pretty pathetic, I guess. Haha.”

“So hum, no one signed your cast?”

“Yeah no I know.”

“Well I’ll sign it.”

 

I stare at him with wide eyes. He almost smiles.

 

“Oh, you- you don’t have to…”

“Do you have a sharpie?”

 

I take the sharpie out of my bag and hand it to him. He grabs my arm a little to harshly, earning me to whine a little. He doesn’t say anything, just looks at me apologetically. I look at him while he write his name in big bold letters on my previously blank cast. His name takes almost the whole cast. Well, it’s not like anyone else would have signed it.

 

“Oh, thanks.”

“Yeah well now we can both pretend we have friends.”

 

His voice sounded a little bit sad just then. And I wonder— what if we’re not that different. What if we actually both need someone? It’s not like I want to be his friend because I pity him. I actually want to get along with him, because I genuinely think we could be friends.

 

“We— we don’t really have to pretend.”

 

I immediately regret saying that when I see the shock in his eyes. Of course _he_ wouldn’t want to be friends with me. I’m just a nobody. And Connor could do so much better than someone like me.

 

“Why would you want to be friends with me?”

“Hum… Do you- do you need a- a reason? To be… friends? With someone?”

“I guess you don’t. But why me?”

“Because… Well. Hum, because I think we’d —hum get along? Us two?”

“Why the fuck would you think that?”

 

He doesn’t sound mad, and maybe I’m wrong but it’s almost said with a quiet laugh?

 

“I don’t really know? It just… feels like— like we might have some… things, in common?”

“Oh, you want weed don’t you? Well sorry, I don’t sell any.”

 

He’s back to his angry tone.

 

“NO NO NO! No, hum, I don’t smoke? But _it’stotallyokayifyoudoican’tjudgeyouforthatyoudowhateveryouwantso_.”

 

I know I talked too fast, but he looks like he somehow understood.

 

“Okay.”

“O-okay?”

“Let’s be friends, Hansen. Unless you don’t want to anymore?”

“NO NO, I mean, yes. Yes I still- I still want to be friends!”

“Hmf, you’re really weird, Hansen.”

 

I deflate a bit at this statement. Of course, I’m weird, to anyone, I’ll just remain the “ _weird kid_ ”. He must notice the fact that it hurt me because he quickly adds:

 

“Not that it’s a bad thing, Hansen. You must think I’m pretty weird yourself.”

“No? I don’t? — think you’re weird, I mean.”

“You don’t?”

 

It’s almost a whisper, and I almost don’t hear. And it’s so subtle I almost don’t notice the small smile on his lips, but I do. And I feel my heartbeat go faster. But it’s nothing like anxiety. It feels nicer, and it doesn’t scare me, it doesn’t stop my breathing. It’s… nice. It’s almost calming.

 

“I- I really _really_ want to - to be your f-friend, Connor.”

“Well shit, I don’t see why we can’t then. Ok Hansen, from now on, you and I are friends, I guess.”

 

And I smile. Because I’ve done it. I made a friend. Other than Blue that is. I managed to speak to someone without making an utter fool of myself.

I can almost see a smile on Connor’s lips. For a moment, I forget about my letter, until he waves a paper at my face.

 

“By the way, is that yours? I found it in the printer. “Dear Evan Hansen”, that’s you.”

“Oh, hum, yeah. That’s, hum, an assignment, so…”

 

He hands me the paper at first, but then he notices something and reads it. My stomach drops.

If he reads it, he’ll realise how fucked up I am, and the friendship we just established will turn to ashes.

 

Why did I write this? Because I felt like I needed to. Why did I need to write that? Because I’m completely fucked up.

 

“Hm… Did you write this?”

“I- I did. Y-yeah.”

“Why?”

“Because- because my therapist, well, he wants me to— to write letters? To myself? About how today, today is going to be a- a good day? And, hum, today was not? A good day, I mean?”

 

He looks at me again. I expect to see pity in his eyes, but I only find understanding, and a little bit of sadness even.

 

“You’re not alone, Hansen. And the friend you talked about in your letter wouldn’t be the only person missing you, you know.”

“I- I don’t? Actually? I mean, my mother wouldn’t have to bother anymore and I don’t have any _real_ friend so.”

“Well now you have a friend. Now you have me, so you’re forbidden to even attempt to end your life, understood?”

 

I nod, but I don’t say anything. I don’t know _what_ I could say.

 

“And if you ever feel like this again, you can talk to me, alright? You’re a good guy, Hansen. You shouldn’t feel like that, ever.”

“That- hum- that goes for you t-too, you know? If- if you want to- hum- talk? About stuff, you can- hum- you can talk to me?”

“I will then, Hansen.”

 

We just stare at each other for a while. It’s the first time I feel like someone other than Blue can understand me. And I almost feel like Connor could actually _be_ Blue. But I shake the thought out of my head. I shouldn’t get my hopes up. Just because I think Connor being Blue would be nice doesn’t mean it’s a reality.

 

“I- hum- I have an appointment. So, I should- I should go? I’m sorry.”

“Don’t worry about it, Hansen. I guess I’ll see you tomorrow, then?”

“Yes!”

 

And I realise it’s a bit loud, and my smile must be weird because Connor looks away from me. I wave at him and I leave. I can’t wait to tell Blue what happened.

 

 

* * *

 

 

> **FROM: anxiousacorn@gmail.com**
> 
> **TO: the.landoftears@gmail.com**
> 
> **DATE: September 1st at 6:13 PM**
> 
> **SUBJECT: the weight of living.**
> 
>  
> 
> **Dear Blue,**
> 
>  
> 
> **I did it! I made a friend today! I successfully talked to the guy I was talking to you about and managed to ask him to be friends! I’m so, so glad! I hope your first day ended well like mine did! And if it didn’t, you can talk to me, maybe I can help! I had an appointment with my therapist and apparently, I’m slowly getting better. He was proud of me for stepping into the sun. I hope you are proud of me too, Blue, after all, I did it thanks to you.**
> 
>  
> 
> **I don’t think I’d still be here if it wasn’t for you, Blue. I don’t have enough words to tell you how glad I am that you’re in my life. I wish I could convey how grateful I am for you. You’re the best thing that ever happened to me.**
> 
>  
> 
> **Sincerely,**
> 
> **Me.**
> 
>  

* * *

 

 

> **FROM: the.landoftears@gmail.com**
> 
> **TO: anxiousacorn@gmail.com**
> 
> **DATE: September 1st at 6:22 PM**
> 
> **SUBJECT: Re: the weight of living.**
> 
>  
> 
> **Dear Lefen,**
> 
>  
> 
> **I’m glad you made it alive! And I’m also proud of you for putting yourself out there! I can also announce that I am now friend with the cute guy from my year as well! (Yeah I didn’t tell you this last time but that guy really is the cutest thing I’ve ever seen, what the fuck?) He’s got a lot going on in his mind (don’t we all, really?) but I really feel like a deep friendship will bloom between us. Who knows, maybe I’ll forget all about you because the cute guy will distract me?**
> 
> **I’m kidding, you’re the best person in my life right now and you know it, Lefen. I would have probably be found dead in a ditch if it wasn’t for you.**
> 
> **But enough emotional and cheesy talk.**
> 
>  
> 
> **I actually have to go so I won’t be able to talk to you more this evening. I’m sorry about that, it’s just my dad being an asshole and establishing a fucking curfew on my ass. I guess the bags under my eyes have finally been noticed.**
> 
>  
> 
> **Good night.**
> 
>  
> 
> **Sincerely,**
> 
> **Me.**

 

* * *

 

> **FROM: anxiousacorn@gmail.com**
> 
> **TO: the.landoftears@gmail.com**
> 
> **DATE: September 1st at 8:54 PM**
> 
> **SUBJECT: Dream on**
> 
>  
> 
> **Blue,**
> 
>  
> 
> **Sorry I only noticed you email now. I guess you won’t see this but I still wanted to tell you good night.**
> 
> **Have nice dreams.**
> 
>  
> 
> **Sincerely,**
> 
> **Me.**
> 
>  

* * *

 

 

> **FROM: the.landoftears@gmail.com**
> 
> **TO: anxiousacorn@gmail.com**
> 
> **DATE: September 1st at 8:58 PM**
> 
> **SUBJECT: Re: Dream on**
> 
>  
> 
> **Lefen,**
> 
>  
> 
> **You’re too cute for words, honestly. I hope you dream well too. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.**
> 
>  
> 
> **Sincerely, me.**
> 
>  
> 
> **Ps: My father clearly doesn’t hide my belongings as well as he thinks he does.**

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm thinking of bringing Jared in the next chapter. Maybe, I don't know. I don't really know how I feel about Jared. 
> 
> Please leave a comment so I can feel better about myself.
> 
> See you soon (I hope) for a new chapter.


	6. We’ll be glowing in the dark

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The gay awakening.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, a pretty long chapter and it didn't take me 2 months to write it. Wow. Progress.
> 
> I don't know why, but I feel like this chapter sucks? Please leave some feedback?

             I think I might have a crush on Blue. Okay maybe I _know_ I have a crush on Blue. And I don’t know how to feel about it. I don’t know if it’s normal for me to have feelings for someone I never even met in real life. I don’t even know what he looks like. And he has a crush on his new friend. And he’s miserable about it. I can’t even help him because I think I might be in the same situation.

 

I’ve been friends with Connor for more than a week now. We had a rocky start, based on communication issues and misunderstandings because we both overthink a lot. But overall, I’d say it’s a pretty solid friendship. Most of the time, we hang out outside, under a large tree that I love. We don’t talk all the time, sometimes we just sit next to each other and we just do whatever we need to. Most of the time, Connor draws, _and he draws so well!_ I was impressed. Not because I didn’t think someone like him could draw, but because no one I know can draw that well. He told me he drew me once, but he didn’t want me to see. I’m pretty sure he was blushing when he said it, and that was pretty cute.

 

Oh yeah, I also have the _tiniest_ crush on Connor. I know I already have a crush on Blue, and really, it’s completely different from my crush on Connor. Blue is the person I care the most about. He’s my closest friend and we talk about everything. We share and know everything about each other. But Connor… I’m getting to know him, and I love what I’m finding out about him. He’s so rough looking yet so… gentle. Sometimes he’s rude and he gets mad really easily but every time he apologises shows that he didn’t really mean it in the first place. He’s trying to be nice, for me. And how can my heart not notice that?

This is completely different from how I felt towards Zoe. (By the way, the fact that I managed to crush on _both_ the Murphy siblings still weirds me out) I think Zoe was that person I could never have but admired. I don’t think I even wanted to go out with her. I wanted her to like me, because she was everything I ever wanted to be and I was so lonely and so… _me_.

I think I could still be friends with Zoe. In fact, I want to be. But she doesn’t seem to like me. Since I started hanging out with Connor, she’d give me this dark look every time she saw me. So I don’t think we could ever become friends now. And I don’t know how Connor would feel about this. I think part of him still believes that I’m using him.

To be completely honest, part of me kind of thinks that he’s just using me as well. It’s hard to trust someone as damaged as you but not in the same way.

Connor was avoided for a long time, feared by everyone. While I was just ignored, not noticed by anyone. Both of us were alone, for different reasons. But now, we have each other and somehow, it makes everything better.

 

When Connor and I meet, it’s almost as if we’ve known each other since forever. There’s no awkward silence or very few. We always know what to talk about and he never seems to get mad at me or frustrated with me struggling to talk. And most of the time, I don’t even feel anxious when I’m with him. It’s almost like we calm each other down. And when we’re sitting together like this, not talking and yet confortable, I wonder why we never became friends before. I get that we look weird; Connor is this _long_ (I don’t even want to say tall because at this point the word doesn’t seem appropriate) and dark looking androgynous person. And I’m a small and chubby polo-wearing anxious guy. We don’t look like we belong together. It almost seems like a joke. And yet.

I’m glad I have Connor in my life. I need him, and sometimes, he lets me believe that he needs me as well. And I know that this friendship doesn’t solve everything wrong in our lives, we still have way too many issues, but it’s a step. Maybe it’s a very small one, but it’s a step forward nonetheless.

 

“Hey, hum, so my mom kinda heard about you? Y’know Zoe told her that I was hanging out with you and so she knows that I have a _friend_. And she’s kinda freaking out because I never had a friend before and I literally never brought a friend home before? And I know she’d appreciate it a lot if you could come for dinner?”

 

I stare at him without saying anything for a while. Honestly, I don’t really know what to say to this. I’m sure I’ll get really anxious and I’m afraid his family won’t like me. I already know where I stand with Zoe and it’s not like I really blame her for not liking me, I mean, I’m _me_ , so it’s kind of normal. But what if Connor’s parents hate me? What if they decide Connor deserves a better friend and they ask him not to talk to me again? What if Connor realises how much of a loser I really am? What if…

 

“-van. _Evan_. I can hear you overthinking this from here. You really don’t have to come if you don’t want to.”

 

He says that but I can hear in his tone that he’s a bit disappointed.

 

“No, no I… I _want_ to? I want to come, I mean. But- but what if… What if your family h-hates me? I mean, you know, you know how I get, sometimes? And I’m, I’m _me_ , so…”

“Evan, stop. My mom will love you. No, she’ll _adore_ you. My father might just be glad you’re not a drug dealer” (I flinched at that) “And Zoe… Well you already know she likes you, even if you’re weird.”

“Zoe doesn’t like me. She- she hates me!”

“No, she doesn’t. She hates _me_. She looks at you weirdly because she thinks I’m blackmailing you or threatening you. She has nothing against you. I’m pretty sure she thinks you’re too good for me or something and, y’know, she’s not wrong.”

“Connor, I’m- I’m a big nerd? I can’t be- I’m not too good? to be your friend? If- if anything, you’re, hum, _you_ are the one who’s too- too good for me? Like, like you’re so co-cool? and nice?”

“Shut the fuck up, Hansen. I’m a fucking asshole and you know it.”

 

He smiles a bit.

 

“Anyway, you’re coming then? To dinner tonight?”

“I mean, I’ll have to- I need to tell my mom? But, hum, yeah, I’d- I’d like to?”

“Nice. Just a warning though, if you think I’m an asshole-“

“I don’t think- I- you’re not an- an asshole!”

 

He looks at me doubtfully.

 

“As I was saying, if you think I’m an asshole, wait until you see my father.”

“Is he- is he really horrible?”

“Let’s just say the rotten apple doesn’t fall far from the dead tree.”

“You know, hum, technically, all trees are- are dead? Like only a small part of- of the tree is actually- hum- alive. Like, only 1% of every ma-mature trees. Sorry, you don’t care about that.”

“Actually that’s pretty neat, Hansen. Stop apologising so much.”

“Oh.. hum. okay. So— yeah.”

“You want to apologise again, don’t you?”

“Very much so.”

 

And he laughs. I love the way he laughs. He always closes his eyes and you can actually notice small dimples in his cheeks. But he always put a hand in front of his mouth to hide them. I don’t know why he does that, it’s pretty adorable.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

> **FROM: the.landoftears@gmail.com**
> 
> **TO: anxiousacorn@gmail.com**
> 
> **DATE: September 15th at 1:34 PM**
> 
> **SUBJECT: A bowl of soup is not a dinner**
> 
>  
> 
> **Dear Lefen,**
> 
>  
> 
> **You can’t just eat (drink?) just soup for dinner! You have to eat something else on the side? You can’t possibly have enough whatever gives you energy in just soup! I mean, I don’t really know but I’m pretty sure you’re supposed to take soup with something else. At least tell me you have bread with it?**
> 
> **By the way, we’ve talking for months and I still don’t know why the fuck you call me “Blue”. I thought I might have told you to call me that in previous emails when I was high but I re-read them all and I still don’t have a fucking clue so please enlighten me because as much as I love the nickname, it makes no sense to me.**
> 
>  
> 
> **Sincerely,**
> 
>  
> 
> **Me.**
> 
>  
> 
> **ps: I might not be able to send you any email tonight, I have a family dinner with my friend (!!) and it might end up in me losing my laptop/phone privileges.**

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

> **FROM: anxiousacorn@gmail.com**
> 
> **TO: the.landoftears@gmail.com**
> 
> **DATE: September 15th at 1:47 PM**
> 
> **SUBJECT: A bowl of soup is a perfectly acceptable dinner**
> 
>  
> 
> **Dear Blue,**
> 
>  
> 
> **First of all: how dare you insult my dinner. I am perfectly content with just soup as a full dinner. I don’t eat a lot so it’s absolutely fine for me to only drink (eat?) soup. You’re just jealous because you’re never satisfied with what you eat and you’re always hungry!**
> 
> **To answer your question about your nickname, it’s simply because you told me to call you “C” in one of your first emails? And I thought just calling you the letter “C” was lame. So I called you “Blue” because “C” sounds like “sea” and therefore, Blue came into my mind. And also, Blue is my favourite colour, so obviously I’m going to associate it to my favourite person.**
> 
> **Don’t judge me, I know I suck at giving nicknames.**
> 
>  
> 
> **Sincerely,**
> 
>  
> 
> **Me.**
> 
>  
> 
> **ps: Please don’t lose your phone privileges, I’d miss you too much.**

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

> **FROM: the.landoftears@gmail.com**
> 
> **TO: anxiousacorn@gmail.com**
> 
> **DATE: September 15th at 1:34 PM**
> 
> **SUBJECT: Soup is not a meal 2K17**
> 
>  
> 
> **Lefen,**
> 
>  
> 
> **Seriously, you need to stop flirting innocently with me like that, I have a bad reputation to maintain and I can’t go around blushing like that, that’s some mushy shit you’re saying right now. Also, this is so cliché I might throw up.**
> 
>  
> 
> **Sincerely,**
> 
>  
> 
> **Me.**
> 
>  
> 
> **ps: You’re also my favourite person but you can’t tell anyone.**
> 
>  

* * *

 

 

> **FROM: anxiousacorn@gmail.com**
> 
> **TO: the.landoftears@gmail.com**
> 
> **DATE: September 15th at 2:11 PM**
> 
> **SUBJECT: Shut up about soup please.**
> 
>  
> 
> **Blue,**
> 
>  
> 
> **I wanted to picture you blushing and being cute but considering the fact that I have no idea what you look like whatsoever, I’m just picturing a blue-shaped human mannequin blushing. It’s a weird experience, if I’m completely honest, and it’s also a bit disturbing.**
> 
> **Also, please don’t throw up, that’s disgusting.**
> 
>  
> 
> **Sincerely,**
> 
>  
> 
> **Me.**
> 
>  
> 
> **ps: your secret is safe with me, no one shall ever know that you actually have feelings.**
> 
>  
> 
>  

* * *

 

 

> **FROM: the.landoftears@gmail.com**
> 
> **TO: anxiousacorn@gmail.com**
> 
> **DATE: September 15th at 2:23 PM**
> 
> **SUBJECT: Vomit**
> 
>  
> 
> **Natural reactions are not disgusting, Lefen. They’re merely there to make us fonction as human beings.**
> 
>  
> 
>  

* * *

 

 

> **FROM: anxiousacorn@gmail.com**
> 
> **TO: the.landoftears@gmail.com**
> 
> **DATE: September 15th at 2:11 PM**
> 
> **SUBJECT: Not vomit.**
> 
>  
> 
> **Still disgusting.**
> 
>  

* * *

 

I’ll have to eat at the Murphy’s tonight. Oh no. I’ll have to eat at the _Murphy’s_. _Tonight_. I now realise that I completely forgot about my social anxiety and my incapacity to talk to people. I can’t believe mom agreed to this. I mean, _of course_ she did. I have a friend who’s nice enough to invite me this his house, obviously she’s overjoyed and wants to meet him someday as well. I should have known.

 

Connor told me I didn’t have to change, that casual was fine but… What if it’s not? What if they expect me to be well dressed? I don’t have a nice shirt. I only have stupid blue polos. Why do I only own polos? I should really buy new shirts.

 

I see my phone light up, displaying “Text from: Connor” on the screen.

 

 

> **[Connor]: I’m going to pick you up in like 5.**
> 
> ****[** Me **]** : Please tell me you’re not texting while driving.**
> 
> ****[** Connor **]** : You have no proof.**
> 
> ****[** Me **]** : Please Connor don’t text and drive. It’s dangerous.**
> 
> ****[** Connor **]** : I’m dangerous. I’m a rebel. You can’t tell me what to do.**
> 
> ****[** Me **]** : Connor, please.**
> 
> ****[** Me **]** : Connor?**
> 
> ****[** Me **]** : Please tell me you’re alright.**
> 
> ****[** Connor **]** : I think I’m in front of your house.**

 

I look outside of my window and see him in a fairly new car. I wave at him and put on my shoes before going outside. He starts driving almost as soon as I enter the car. He has some music on but it’s so low I can’t actually hear what kind of music it is.

 

“You- you really shouldn’t… text… and drive.”

“Hansen, you can’t prove anything.”

“Connor…”

“Okay, let’s make a deal, no texting while driving if you manage to not apologise tonight.”

 

I look at him with despair in my eyes. He hides a smile before making a left turn.

 

“Okay, I allow you to apologise like… 3 times tonight. And I’m talking about apologising without any reason too, meaning you can’t apologise for talking about, like, fucking trees.”

“I- Connor, please not you too!”

“Me too?”

“Jared always says that I- that I have a- _tree kink_.”

“Oh my God. Never compare me to that dick ever again. Okay?”

“If- if you don’t- I mean, don’t talk like- like him in the first place?”

“Oh for fuck’s sake, alright.”

 

I laugh a bit before noticing that we’re actually in front of his house. I feel my stomach dropping. Connor must notice my discomfort because he puts a hand on my shoulder.

 

“You’re going to be fine, Hansen. If anything goes to shit, we’ll just go to my room and watch some netflix, alright?”

 

I nod. I don’t trust my voice right now. I take a look around and notice how big the house is from outside. It’s almost like a mansion. It looks like those rich houses from the movies. It’s even more intimidating.

As we make our way towards the door, I feel myself drifting towards Connor and now we’re touching. I blush. He doesn’t seem to notice or at least he doesn’t say anything about it. As we enter the house, I’m welcomed by a pleasant smell.

 

“Don’t be fooled, it’s going to be disgusting, no matter how good it smells.”, Connor whispers.

 

“Oh, hi! You must be Evan! Connor had told us so much about you!”

 

A woman, probably a little bit older than my mom appears. She looks kind, if anything she looks a bit too… everything.

 

“I’m Cynthia, Connor and Zoe’s mom. It’s so nice to finally meet you!”

“Oh, hum, hi! It’s- it’s nice to meet- to meet you too.”

 

She smiles gently.

 

“Dinner will be ready in a bit. Why don’t you go and show him the house, Connor?”

“Yeah, we’ll be in my room.”

 

He cringes, I can tell he’s trying to be nicer than usual but his voice still came out somewhat harsh. Cynthia doesn’t say anything back and just smiles before returning to the kitchen.

 

“So, hum, your mom is… She seems really nice?”

“She is… I mean, she tries her best.”

“So, hum, what- what should we do…?”

“Let’s just go wait in my room, even if the house is big, there’s not much to see.”

 

I just follow him upstairs. Careful not to bump into anything. He stops in front a doorless room. He looks at me apologetically.

 

“My door has been removed so we won’t really have that much privacy, sorry about that.”

“Why, hum, why is- why don’t you have a door?”

“Because my parents are scared I’m going to kill myself in my room.”

 

I didn’t expect this.

 

“And also because I tend to slam the doors and when I’m angry and I broke it a few months back. My dad doesn’t want to repair it, I guess.”

“Oh.”

 

As we enter the room, I notice that it screams “Connor” everywhere. From the dark atmosphere to the sketchbooks disposed on the floor. I notice a spiderman plush on the bed. And glowing stars on the ceiling. I look at him with a bit of smirk.

 

“S-spiderman plush? And glow-in-the-dark stars? Wow, Connor, I didn’t ex-expect you to be- soft.”

 

He steps back, a look of shock plastered across his face.

 

“I am not soft, Hansen! It’s just… I just kept… They’re childhood memories.”

“Only, only someone soft would- would keep childhood memories in- in their bedroom, you know.”

“I’m not soft, I’m hardcore.”

“S-sure you are.”

 

I giggle. Connor is blushing a bit. But he doesn’t seem mad at me even though I’m making fun of him.

 

“Don’t- don’t worry, your secret is- is safe with me.”

“Whatever, even if you told anyone, there’s no way they’d believe you.”

“I mean… You’re n-not wrong. And if it’s any- any consolation, just so you know, I- I also have glowing- glowing stars on my- my ceiling so…”

“Really? And yet, you still mock me for having some. Some friend you are, Hansen.”

“Hey, I- I’m not the one a-acting tough all- all the time.”

“You got me there, Hansen.”

 

And after that, we fall into a confortable silence. We’re just sat on his bed, listening to some music he put on. I don’t know which band it is, but I like it. Honestly, right now, I feel so at ease, with him next to me, I think I might fall asleep. I stare at him and notice that he has his eyes closed and that he’s humming along with the music. He has a nice voice, I wish I could hear it more. Before I can say anything, he opens his eyes to look at me. He smiles sheepishly before standing up. He opens his mouth to say something but is interrupted by Zoe walking in the room.

 

“Dinner is ready… Oh. Hi Evan.”

“Hum, h-hi, hi Zoe.”

“I didn’t know you would be here tonight.”

“Yeah. Hum, Connor invited me, so…”

“Okay. Well, good luck surviving tonight I guess.”

 

And she leaves. I notice Connor has moved to stand right beside me. He puts his hand on my shoulder like he always does to calm me down.

 

“Well, let’s fucking go, Hansen.”

 

And if my anxiety had quieted down a bit before, now it was back to it’s maximum peak. Great. Let’s just hope I don’t die tonight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I swear Jared will be in the next chapter. I can't promise he won't be an asshole though.
> 
> Please leave a comment if you thought it was good. Or if you have a question. Or if you thought this chapter sucked. Please just leave a comment, I crave attention.


	7. The boys have Mommy issues™.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan has mommy issues, as do Connor and Blue. Larry is a fucking dick. Also, Jared makes an entrance.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, whaddup I got a new chapter! I hope you like it. I'll eventually try to write longer chapters one day (eventually, maybe, I don't really know). Please let me know if you liked it!

             When we got to the dinner table, Zoe was already seated and browsing on her phone. Cynthia was bringing the last dish on the table before sitting down next to her daughter. I glanced over at Connor who gestured me the chair in front of Zoe. He sits besides me and for a moment, it’s just an awkward silence. No one is taking anything from the plates so I guess we’re waiting for Connor’s father to arrive.

 

Cynthia looks at me like she expects me to say something. Connor must notice, because he then starts to speak.

 

“When is Larry going to be home?”

“Your father should be here anytime soon, Connor. Why don’t you tell me how you and Evan met?”

“We met in school. We have some classes together.”

“And how come you never introduced him to us before? We never knew you two were friends!” (Understand: we never knew you had any friends.)

 

Connor must have had the same thought because he smirks at me.

 

“We only started talking recently.”

 

Zoe frowns.

 

“And how come the only time I saw you two together, you shoved him?”

“I never shoved him, what are you talking about?”

“Last year, you shoved him in the hallway and you screamed at him! I was there!”

 

Connor seems guilty. To be honest, I didn’t even remember that happened.

 

“No- no, hum, it’s- it was be-because- I must have done something? To make him angry? So…”

“No, he just went berserk on you while you did nothing at all! I remember perfectly. I was the one who helped you up!”

“Y-you, hum, I don’t really remember? Sorry?”

 

I remember that, I remember this moment because it was when I started having a crush on her. Not that she needs to know that.

 

“It’s- it’s not important? What matters now- is-is that we’re… We’re friends, so…”

“I’m sorry, Hansen. I completely forgot about that.”

“It’s… It was a year ago? I didn’t… I didn’t even remember it? I don’t… I don’t care!”

 

Zoe glares at me and Cynthia is silent. She looks quite shocked, I guess. Connor really looks uncomfortable now. Under the table, I grab his hand, not at all worrying about mine being sweaty or disgusting. I just need him to know that it’s really okay. He squeezes my hand and smiles shyly. Zoe tears her eyes away from us, annoyed, and starts talking to her mother without paying us any mind.

 

We don’t have to wait too much for Connor’s father. When he enters the room, everyone goes silent, as if they’re scared of him (?). Even Connor suddenly straighten his back and lets go of my hand. I can’t say I’m not disappointed when he does.

 

Connor’s father is everything I expected him to be: tall, broad-shouldered and intimidating. He doesn’t say anything. He just takes off his jacket, kisses Cynthia’s cheek and ruffles Zoe’s hair. He completely ignores Connor (and me, by association). I don’t think he notices me until he actually sits at the table.

 

“Hi, I’m Larry, you must be Zoe’s friend? No one told me we’d have a guest tonight.”

 

I see Connor becoming ever paler than before. I can see that he’s trying to maintain himself.

 

“Hum, actually, I’m- I’m Connor’s friend?”

“Connor?”, he glances over him, unimpressed, “and what’s your name, son?”

“I’m Evan, sir. Hum, Evan Hansen.”

“I see, Connor never mentioned you before. “

“That’s because we only became friends recently.”, Connor finally speaks up.

 

He doesn’t look into his father’s eyes. I can’t say I blame him. Larry acts like Connor didn't even speak, like he's not even here.

 

“Well, welcome, Evan. It’s nice to meet one of Connor’s friend.”

 

The way he says it makes me wonder if he thinks we’re really friends.

 

“It’s- it’s nice to meet you too, Mr.Murphy.”

“Oh, please, call me Larry. So, Evan, tell me about yourself.”

 

Oh no. I look over at Connor, who just grabs my hand again and squeezes it.

 

“Well, hum, I’m a senior, hum, like Connor? And hum, I don’t know, I’m not really interesting, I guess.”

“Don’t say that, Hansen.”, Connor interrupts, “you’re really smart and funny.”

 

Connor, I really appreciate you saying that to make me feel better, but now your parents are going to have expectations about me and I can’t fulfil them so please do not lie about this kind of things.

 

Oh my god, what am I supposed to say now?

 

“He’s right, you know? You shouldn’t put yourself down like that, Evan. From what I’ve heard, you’re really nice”, Zoe adds, “Alana has told me a lot about how you helped her last year with all the committees she was in.”

“No, hum, it was really nothing. Hum, I told her already, it was no- no big deal.”

“Well, it was for her, and that’s why I’m saying, you should believe in yourself more.”

 

Okay, I don’t really know what’s going on and why both the Murphy siblings are ganging up on me to make me feel better but it actually stresses me out even more. Because I’ll only end up disappointing them.

 

The rest of the dinner is a blur. The only thing I remember is the food being actual garbage, just like Connor warned me, and Larry not paying any attention to Connor. It was almost like he didn’t exist. If I didn’t feel his hand in mine, I would almost believe that he was not here. We go in his bedroom right after the desert (which was the only edible thing from the whole dinner since it was bought and not made) and we sit on his bed in silence. Connor is the one who breaks it.

 

“So, you’re lucky there was no screaming tonight. It usually ends up with a plate breaking and my mother crying.”

“No offence, but what is- what’s wrong with your father?”

“Ah, so you’ve noticed? He hates me. I don’t remember when he started hating me. I don’t think he sees me as his son anymore. Which is good because I definitely don’t see him as my father.”

“What-hum, what happened? Why does he- you know- treat you like that?”

“Well, if I’m honest, I don’t really know. I’ve always had anger issues, as you remember the incident in second grade with the printer, and he’s always tried to help me calm down. But for a few years, he stopped caring. Since I didn’t magically get better, he gave up on me, I guess.”

“But… But _why_? Your mother, she- she looks like she cares? So why doesn’t he?”

 

I’m starting to get angry. Cynthia, even if she looks like she doesn’t know what she’s doing, at least _tries_ to talk to Connor. So why doesn’t his father?

 

“Because he doesn’t believe in mental illnesses. Because he wants the picture perfect family and I’m ruining this. He hates the fact that I can’t fix myself and that I _need_ help. Last year, when I tried to kill myself, he didn’t even come see me in the hospital, and afterwards, he said I only did it for attention. Honestly, I’m not expecting anything more from him.”

“That’s— that’s horrible! Connor, he’s your father!”

“He hasn’t been a father for a long time. I’ve made my peace with it, don’t worry about it, Hansen.”

“But— he…”

“Just, don’t. It’s okay, really. I just wish he would stop putting ideas in Zoe’s head. He’s always putting pressure on her because he doesn’t want her to become like me. I think that’s also why she really hates me. Larry ignores her most of the time, but she still has to be perfect. I hate it so much. But I don’t have the right to say anything. I don’t want her to be shunned like me.”

 

Connor’s eyes are filled with guilt and regret. And I wish I could help him. But I really don’t see how I could do anything.

 

“I wish I- I wish I could help you.”

“Hansen, by being my friend, you’re helping me more than you think.”

 

I don’t say anything back. I just smile. And he smiles back. My heart hurts at the sight. I really have it bad for Connor. And I feel bad, because I have Blue. And I don’t know what we are, but it feels as if I’m doing something bad. I feel like I shouldn’t be having feelings for Connor and yet, I still feel my heart beating faster every time I see his smiles.

 

I don’t know what I expected from a dinner at the Murphy’s. They seemed like the typical rich white family. Connor was the only “spot” on the perfect picture. But looking at it closely, you could see they weren’t perfect, they only knew how to keep their secrets well hidden. Connor clearly wasn’t the only thing wrong with this family.

Cynthia is nice enough, and as Connor told me: she tries her best. But she doesn’t speak up, she doesn’t try to defend her son, and I think that’s why he blames her a bit, why he’s not— why he _can’t_ be more grateful towards her; she only supports him in secret.

 

Zoe believes Connor is a monster, which I can understand from her perspective, she’s been abused by him in the past. But from Connor’s perspective, she’s as much as a bully as he is. Connor’s told me about all the horrible things he told her, and asked me not to blame Zoe for her behaviour towards him. But I’ve heard about all the horrible things she spread around school about him. She’s not some princess who did nothing wrong. Not to say that she deserved to be abused, she suffered from Connor’s mental illness as much as he did; but she never tried to understand him, she never tried talking to him. All she did was isolate him even more, she made sure he had no friends at school and that everyone saw and treated him the same way she does: as a criminal.

 

And the worst of the three had to be Connor’s father, Larry. I don’t know why he hates Connor so much. Why he doesn’t even acknowledge his existence anymore even when Connor is obviously trying. I never really had a father growing up, when mine left, I was only seven so I don’t remember much. But I _know_ that a father should never treat his son like Larry treats Connor. Why would you even have children if you treat them like they don’t even matter to you? I will never understand that.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

 

 

> **FROM: the.landoftears@gmail.com**
> 
> **TO: anxiousacorn@gmail.com**
> 
> **DATE: September 16th at 3:12 AM**
> 
> **SUBJECT: Stayin’ alive.**
> 
>  
> 
> **Dear Lefen,**
> 
>  
> 
> **I can’t believe the family dinner went… not terribly wrong. I can’t believe I still have both my phone _and_ my laptop. My friend must have a really good influence on me. Or maybe it’s you? I wouldn’t know. Probably both.**
> 
> **By the way, I totally get what you said about your mom. I also feel like shit when I see mine trying so hard for me and yet still feel like she could do so much more. Every time after dinner there’s this war going on at my house, and I can’t help but seing her as another enemy. No one is ever a winner in this war, everyone just end up hurt. Me because of my father who doesn’t even see me as his son anymore, my sister who hates me because of who I became, my mother because even if she tries her best, it’s not enough, and my father because he’ll never get the perfect family he always wanted.**
> 
>  
> 
> ** I can’t really blame my sister for hating me, after all I’ve done, after all I’ve said, there’s no way she could ever forgive me. But my mother doesn’t hate me, and at this point, I think I’m just trying to get her to hate me. Because it’d be easier for her if I pulled away completely. She thinks she’s left me down, but the truth is, she’s one of the reason I don’t end it all. I want her to be happy, but I feel as if she could never be as long as I’m here. But I also know that she’d never be happy if I just disappeared. I don’t see how I could make everything better. **
> 
> ** I wish I could tell her how grateful I am. She’ll probably never give up on me. She’ll always try and I really don’t know how to thank her for that. It feels as if we’re million worlds apart and I don’t know how I would ever start.  **
> 
>  
> 
> ** Sincerely,  **
> 
>  
> 
> ** Me. **
> 
>  

* * *

 

 

 

 

 

 

> **FROM: anxiousacorn@gmail.com**
> 
> **TO: the.landoftears@gmail.com**
> 
> **DATE: September 16th at 3:54 AM**
> 
> **SUBJECT: If I could tell her**
> 
>  
> 
> **Dear Blue,**
> 
>  
> 
> **I wish I could tell my mom I notice how hard she works to help me, how I wish I wasn’t such a burden for her. But the words always seem stuck in my throat. And I feel so ungrateful all the time. Because even when I see how hard she tries, it’s still not enough. My house doesn’t even feel like a home anymore. Because it feels like no family lives in it. She’s only there when I’m not. And it’s hard. Because I know she works so much to provide for me, and yet, it’s not enough. I need more from her and thinking like that makes me feel even worse.**
> 
>  
> 
> **My house used to be my safe space, where I’d feel the more at ease. When I was little, she was here to make me feel better, I could always take refuge in her arms. But now she’s never there and the house, even though it’s rather small, feels too big. Or maybe it’s because I feel too small, when I’m all alone in my bedroom down the hall. The stars on the ceiling remind me of better times, where I just had to count them to fall asleep. I think I remember when my mom put them on, she said they’d protect me from nightmares, along with my ninja turtle lamp. I remember thinking they’d keep the bad guys far away. I think I broke it years ago.**
> 
>  
> 
> **I feel like a stranger in my own home. I’m no longer the boy who needed stars on the ceiling because he was afraid of the dark. I’m no longer the boy who could ask for hugs when he needed them. I changed. I grew up into this horrible version of me. Sometimes, I wonder if I could have grown up into a good person, into someone _normal_. But something happened. I don’t know if it’s my father leaving me when I was 7. Or if it’s my “family-friend”’s casual bullying and mockeries, or the pressure put on me by other people to speak up when I couldn’t.**
> 
>  
> 
> **I really don’t know what happened to me and why I’m so fucked up now. I wish I did.**
> 
>  
> 
> **Sincerely,**
> 
>  
> 
> **Me.**
> 
>  
> 
> **ps: I’m sorry, I guess lack of sleep makes me reveal my deep secrets.**
> 
>  

* * *

 

 

 

 

 

 

> **FROM: the.landoftears@gmail.com**
> 
> **TO: anxiousacorn@gmail.com**
> 
> **DATE: September 16th at 4:12 AM**
> 
> **SUBJECT: RE: If I could tell her.**
> 
>  
> 
> **Lefen,**
> 
>  
> 
> **Don’t ever apologise for saying how you feel to me. I can’t begin to imagine how lonely you must have been all those years. I wish we met before so you would have never felt lonely even for a second. I wish we became friends earlier, because if we had, I could have been here for you last summer before you climbed that tree. I know us being friends doesn’t fix anything. We’re both pretty fucked up in the head. But I want to get better, so I can be a better friend to you, so when you meet me in real life, you will be able to talk to me like you talk to Blue. (And I know that I’m Blue no matter what, but it always feels as if you’re not facing the real me because I can think before I type anything, whereas I can’t filter myself in real life.)**
> 
>  
> 
> **As for your family friend, I say you ditch him. Obviously, I don’t know him, but from what you told me about him, he sounds like an asshole. And I’m pretty sure he’s got a bad influence on your mental health. I know it’s hard to give up on someone who’s been in your life for so long, but it sounds really toxic and I don’t want him to bring you down. You already do that enough by yourself.**
> 
>  
> 
> **Please, at least, talk to him about how you feel. Maybe he didn’t realise how much he hurt you. Maybe if you say what’s on your mind, he’ll become a better friend.**
> 
>  
> 
> **Sincerely,**
> 
>  
> 
> **Me.**
> 
>  

* * *

 

I lie a lot. Ever since I was a child. It used to be small, white lies, like telling Jared I had too much homework to do so I could avoid going to his house. It used to be hard because I felt bad and I was scared someone would find out and be mad at me, or that they wouldn’t believe me. But overtime it became an habit. It became easier than to tell the truth. And sometimes, I even convinced myself that my lies were true.

Sometimes, I even convince myself that I really feel off that tree, this summer.

 

At this point, I lied so much about so many things, I wonder if anyone really knows the real me. I wonder if _I_ even know myself. I wish someone knew the truth. But even Blue doesn’t. I thought I could tell everything to Blue, even the truth, because he knows so much about me already. But I’m scared. I’m scared of the real me, of everyone knowing the real me and hating him like I do.

 

I don’t really know who I lied to more: my mom or Jared. Or maybe it’s Connor. Because he’s my first real friend and I don’t want to lose him, so I paint this picture where I’m not as fucked up as I really am. After I’ve seen how his family treat him, I don’t want to burden him even more by adding my problems to his. He doesn’t deserve this. Nobody does. Not even Jared. And I think that’s why I haven’t told him anything about my anxiety. I mean, he knows I’m anxious, but he doesn’t know _how_ anxious I really am.

 

“Hey Acorn. It’s been a while. I see you’ve been around the school-shooter lately. Good move, he may spare you when he finally snaps.”

“Sh-shut up! He- he’s not- he’s not like that! He’s- he’s really- hum- nice?”

“Are you asking me?”, he laughs, “Seriously, Evan, is he bullying you? Is that why you’ve been ignoring me for weeks?”

“I’m not- I haven’t- He’s not bullying me! He’s my friend! My best friend! My _only_ friend.”

“And what am I? Your fucking taxi? The guy you go to when you have no one?”

“I don’t know Jared. You told me a lot of times that we- that we’re not actually friends, so…”

“That was a fucking joke, oh my _God_. You took that seriously?”

“I have an anxiety disorder and depression, Jared. How else am I supposed to take that? You’ve been telling me we’re not friends for years!”

“So what, you’ve stayed with me because I drive you around?”

 

He sounds almost hurt. But I don’t really care at the moment. He’s hurt me so much for years. I want him to know. And Blue said I needed to do that.

 

“I stayed with you because I had no one else! Because even though you’ve told me multiple times we were not friends, I still wanted to be! I still considered you one! Even- even when you treated me like shit! And I don’t know why you did that. Why you always nagged me about having better— real friends when it seems as- as if you don’t have any other friend, Jared!”

“Fuck you, Evan, asshole!”

 

He starts to leave. I see tears in his eyes. But I can’t stop. Not now.

 

“No, fuck _you_ Jared! Fuck you for treating me like literal shit for years, fuck you for making fun of every single thing about me. You’ve never been a real friends. You don’t know a single thing about me anyway!”

 

He looks at me again. He’s hurt. But I don’t care. I don’t care about him anymore. (If I say it enough times, maybe I’ll believe it.)

 

“I’ve been your friend since birth, Evan. I know everything about you.”

 

I can’t stop talking. I want to stop talking.

 

“Really? Do you know how I broke my arm, Jared?”

“You fell out of a tree. It’s nothing fucking special.”

 

_I can’t stop talking._

 

“I didn’t fall. I let go.”

 

And the truth is out.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I swear I love Zoe, okay? But I don't think she was completely innocent in the story. 
> 
> Anyways, I don't think this story will be very long. I already know how I'll end it, I just don't know how many things I want to add to this story. By the way, prepare for some heavy shit as I'm projecting as fuck in this story. (Also, you shouldn't do that because it's fucking unhealthy but whatever).
> 
> I think it's the first chapter of this fiction where nothing has been written while I was high. So I guess it's an improvement. Yey!
> 
> I'll stop rambling now. Please let me know if you liked this chapter. (Also notify me if I've made any typos, I'm not the best proof-reader -meaning I don't actually proof-read anything I post.)


	8. Holy shit Evan calm down

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan is having a bad day. Also, mama Hansen is here and she is not pleased.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I took so long to write this shitty filler chapter which is not even long. My mental health is holding me back quite a bit. I'll try to do better though!

Sometimes, when I’m home on the week-end and I know mom isn’t going to come back before a while, I just lay in bed. Not in the lazy kind of way but just in the “I really don’t think I’m even able to get up” kind of way. I just lay there, still, covered in the blanket even if it’s too hot because the weight on me is comforting, and I don’t do anything. I just listen to the sounds around me, to the cars outside and the wind crashing onto my window. It feels better when it rains.

 

Most of the time, I just cry. I cry over nothing. There’s no use to it. It doesn’t make me feel better, it doesn’t solve anything, but I just do it. That’s the only thing I can do at times like this. I don’t even know why I’m crying. There’s no real pain behind my tears. It’s just the only thing I’m capable of doing. Sometimes, I feel like I’m just an empty shell, and the thought makes me feel even worse. What am I doing with my life? I can’t even get up to eat anything, how can I even believe I’ll get better one day?

 

I used to talk to Blue when I felt like that. But Blue doesn’t talk to me anymore. I don’t know why. Maybe he finally realised how much of a wreck I really am? Maybe he made real friends with whom he got along better? I wouldn’t blame him if he got tired of me.

He never replied to the last email I sent him.

 

 

I remember that song I used to love but never knew the name of. It was one of those songs I heard on the radio while on a road trip. My father was still with us and he used to find the best songs. He gave me his former phone so I could listen to music on it. Once, I heard the song and knew I had to record it, so I could listen to it forever.

It was so long ago, I lost the phone, or maybe I left it somewhere where I would never find it again because it reminded me of my father who left me behind, who gave up on me.

 

Mom said he found love elsewhere, with another woman. But I know that’s not the whole story. I know he didn’t fall in love at first sight, he was looking for someone else, for an escape route. I heard every single fight mom and he had. They were all about me, about how I was “different”, according to my father. He could no longer deal with me, so he purposely found someone else. Maybe he still loved mom, maybe he didn’t want to leave _her_ , maybe he just wanted to leave _me_.

 

 

Thinking about that doesn’t help me at all. If anything, it makes me feel even worse about myself. I wish I could talk to Blue about feeling like this. Or rather, I wish I could talk to Blue at all. My thoughts are going everywhere, they don’t stay, I don’t have time to linger on them. I can’t even more, I’m too overwhelmed. I wish I had someone. I wish Blue would talk to me again. I wish I hadn’t pushed Jared away. I wish Connor would come and reassure me like he usually does. I wish my mom was here, hugging me until I feel better. I wish my dad hadn’t left.

 

I wish I could fall asleep, right now, and never wake up. That way, I could die without caring about what anyone could think. I could die without being responsible for it, without thinking about my mother blaming me for dying. _If only I could die without having to kill myself._

 

 

 

“ _-van_. Evan? Evan, you didn’t go to school today?”

 

I fell asleep without realising it. I can’t help but feel disappointed about not actually dying in my sleep.

 

“I, hum, I wasn’t feeling good? I took a- I thought it was better to stay here, to stay at home today.”

“Evan, you can’t keep skipping class just when you feel like it! And if you _need_ to stay home, you have to call me! Do you know how scary it is to receive a call from school asking if you’re sick because you didn’t show up?”

“I know. I mean, I don’t know but I really- I felt really bad today and I couldn’t just— I couldn’t go?”

 

I don’t want to talk right now. I feel like throwing up, I feel like passing out. I feel like I’m not even here.

 

“You’re supposed to be working on that with Dr. Sherman, Evan. You can’t just get better if you don’t make an effort!”

“But I am! I am making an effort! I’m, I’m trying! So hard! But I can’t just, it’s not just something I can ignore! I can’t control my brain and, and sometimes everything is just too much. And I don’t know what I can do about it!”

“You can talk to me!”, she sounds mad now. I don’t like it when she sounds mad. Does she even have the right to be mad at me right now? She’s never here.

 

“Oh I can? Last time I, last time I checked, you weren’t here this morning when I felt bad? So how could I have talked to you?”

“You know I’m just a phone call away, Evan! You know you can just call me and I’ll always answer!”

 

I tried calling you the day I fell. You didn’t answer.

 

“I’m your mom, Evan, you should tell me when you don’t feel good so we can talk about it!”

 

I feel like I’m not even myself. I feel the same way as when I was talking to Jared, and I just can't contain the truth anymore. I feel like I can’t keep it hidden anymore.

 

“You don’t _decide_ when you want to be a mom. You don’t get to be a parent only when it’s convenient for you. I know you work hard for my sake, and I am grateful. Or maybe I’m not and that’s why I’m mad. Because, because I don’t need you to overwork yourself for extra money. I need you to be here with me when I’m bad. I need you to be a real _mom_ , not just someone who just lives with me and who I don’t even see! It feels like the day dad left was also the day you stopped being a mom.”

 

I don’t know why I said that. I don’t know _why_ I said that. She looks at me, with this heartbroken look. The one she always has. Because she’s unhappy. She’s unhappy because she’s with _me_. She has to deal with a broken son. 

 

I don’t let her respond. I run away. Because that’s what I do best, run away from confrontation. That’s what I did with Jared as well. But it’s not the same. Jared was never a friend to begin with. He was always forced to be with me but he could very well live without me. I’m not necessary to his life. But I _know_ my mother needs me. I’m all she has left. Or am I? Maybe she could rebuild a life without me? She’s still young, she’s pretty and nice. She could find someone else. Someone better than dad, who would not leave her. And I wouldn’t be here to scare him away like I did when I was younger. 

 

Before I realise it, I’m at Ellison Park again. Like I was this summer. It’s where Blue and I met, or rather, it’s where I was when Blue sent the first message. Maybe life is a cycle. It makes sense. I went there this summer to kill myself. I met Blue and suddenly everything was better. I had the confidence to talk to Connor Murphy. I stood up for myself against Jared. But now I lost everything. Now everything is bad again. Blue isn’t here for me anymore. Connor avoids me at school and Jared hates me (for good reasons).

 

I have to send Blue an email. A last email? I just need to talk to someone. But I don't know what to say. I wish I did. I wish I knew what to say and what to do. My phone buzzes in my pocket. Blue replied. He replied to me. I don't know what to do. What if it's because he wants to tell me to never talk to him again? What if he realised how much he hated me? 

I have to make sure. Maybe he isn't tired of me  _(yet)_. Maybe he just didn't have his phone with him. Or he didn't have internet. But there's only one way to find out.

 

* * *

 

> **FROM: the.landoftears@gmail.com**
> 
> **TO: anxiousacorn@gmail.com**
> 
> **DATE: September 20th at 6:24 PM**
> 
> **SUBJECT: RE: I lost a friend.**
> 
>  
> 
> **Dear Lefen,**
> 
>  
> 
> **I'm sorry I didn't reply to you sooner. To be honest, I avoided responding for a while because I really didn't know what to say, or rather, how to say it. And before I overthink everything again, I think I'll just say it like it is: I'm pretty certain I know who you are, as in, I know you in real life? I always had a doubt, but your last email just kind of, confirmed it?**
> 
> **And it made me freak out because if you are who I think you are, then you also know me. And I need you to know that the reason I avoided you was because I've had a crush on you, since... forever? You're so beautiful and it felt like I could never talk to you. And I fell in love with you. But I never told you. And I didn't think I ever would. And I must admit, I'm only saying it now because I'm a coward and I know you don't know who I am. Or maybe now you do.**
> 
> **I don't want you to overthink it. Really. I'm glad it's you. But I feel like you won't talk to me anymore if you know who I am.**
> 
>  
> 
> **Sincerely,**
> 
>  
> 
> **Me.**
> 
>  

* * *

 

 

 

> **FROM: anxiousacorn@gmail.com**
> 
> **TO: the.landoftears@gmail.com**
> 
> **DATE: September 20th at 6:31 PM**
> 
> **SUBJECT: You're wrong.**
> 
>  
> 
> **Dear Blue,**
> 
>  
> 
> ** …I’m almost 90% sure that you’re confusing me with someone else. I’m not “crush-material” in the least. Moreover, I'm not beautiful at all. If I'm honest, I'm kind of ugly in real life (and I'm only saying "kind of" because my mother told me not to put myself down so much). I’m sorry, but I’m probably not the person you want me to be, Blue. I really wish I was. It's okay though. I don't blame you for not talking to me since you thought I was your crush. I think you wished I was the person you like, because you know how I feel about you and it would be easier for you. I hope everything works out with your crush, though. Whoever he is, I'm sure he likes you too. What's there not to like about you? **
> 
> ** And if I ever find out who you are, be certain that I would never stop talking to you. I'm sure you're the same online and offline. I'm convinced I would like you either way. **
> 
> ** You're amazing Blue, never forget that. I wish you and your crush happiness. **
> 
>  
> 
> ** Sincerely, **
> 
>  
> 
> ** Me. **
> 
>  

* * *

 

I'm crying again. Because I thought what Blue and I had was special. I thought I would win against his real life crush. But how could I have? It's not real. No matter how much I want it to be, what we have is not real in the slightest. It's just some stupid internet friendship and I got exited on my own.

 

* * *

 

 

 

> **FROM: the.landoftears@gmail.com**
> 
> **TO: anxiousacorn@gmail.com**
> 
> **DATE: September 20th at 6:47 PM**
> 
> **SUBJECT: RE: You're wrong.**
> 
>  
> 
> **Dear Lefen,**
> 
>  
> 
> **You're wrong if you think you're not "crush-material". And you could never be ugly, no matter what. I have loved you for years now. And even if you are not the person who I think you are, you're amazing, and that's what tore me apart. Because I love you in real life and online. You don't realise how different you are, and yet how similar. You're not two different people, you're two sides of the same, and that's something I admire about you. Because I always feel like I'm not being truthful here. I try to be, but it's difficult. Because I hurt the people I love. I don't know how to be honest with myself and with others.**
> 
> **I feel like you won't believe me no matter what I tell you. So I'll just state facts about you. Facts about the you offline, and you'll realise that I'm not mistaken.**
> 
>  
> 
>   1. **You’re actually kind of tall, but you’re always making yourself look smaller.**
>   2. **You used to have longish hair until you cut it last year. Now you have short brown hair. By the way, they get a little curly at the back (which I find adorable).**
>   3. **You wear a lot of blue shirts, different types of shirt, but almost always blue.**
>   4. **You used to have a cast at the beginning of the year, with "Connor" written on it.**
>   5. **You’re actually friend with this guy. And also with Jared Kleinman, which I don’t understand at all, by the way. But I guess, after the last email you sent me, you're not really friend with him anymore.**
> 

> 
> **I know who you are, Evan.**
> 
>  
> 
> **Sincerely,**
> 
>  
> 
> **Me.**
> 
>  

* * *

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading. Please tell me what you thought of this chapter and what you think of this story overall. 
> 
> I also have an idea for a (long) one shot so stay tuned if you like angst and dying. Ok bye.
> 
> (I will really try not to take a whole month to write the next chapter I swear!)


	9. At this point, who doesn't have daddy issues?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan finds out who Blue is. And he doesn't really know how to feel about it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am,,,,, so sorry. Also, I'm aware this is a short chapter. Hopefully the next one will be longer.

I haven’t talked to Jared in a week, or rather, he hasn’t talked to me. It’s a rather confusing situation. I don’t know if I _blame_ him for what happened to me. I don’t know if I can really blame anyone but myself, really. But having Jared constantly putting me down wasn’t helping at all. Especially when he was my only friend. But now I have Connor. Connor whom I have a crush on, which might destroy everything.

 

Or I still have Blue in case everything comes crashing down, can I still say that we’re friends, after all?After his last email, I don’t really know what to think. I haven’t responded to his email yet. I don’t think I can.

 

Blue knows who I am. He _knows_ who I am and I don’t know who _he_ is. I have no idea. How could I? The only things I know about him is that he’s an asshole who can’t talk about his feelings. He has a sister he doesn’t get along with and his father’s an asshole while his mother really tries. And he knows who I am, like, _really_ knows. He’s been in love with me for years.

 

So basically, I’m trying to find someone I’ve known for years, who’s been an asshole to me —for lack of better terms, because he couldn’t face his feelings. I can only see one person fitting this description. And I’m scared of admitting it to myself; because everything would change. I don’t know how to react to this newfound information.

 

I thought I was in love with Blue, with his personality. But now that I can put on face on his name, I’m not so sure the feelings I have (had?) for him still exist. I mean, how could they? And how could he still be in love with me after what happened? Or maybe…

 

Or maybe it was just some big jokes. Maybe I was right all along. Because there’s no way he was serious. Not after everything. He’s said he’s known for a while, meaning he’s been lying to me this whole time. He’s been mocking me this whole time. I should have known this was too good to be true.

 

When I think about it, there’s one person who ressembles Blue, or at least, what he’s told me about himself and what I found out from his emails. He has a sister who hates him and he doesn’t blame her because he’s been awful to her, his mother is nice and he feels bad because he’s not grateful no matter how hard she tries and his father completely ignores him.

And he found out who I was after my last email where I explained what happened between Jared and I. Now I feel blind; I feel like I should’ve known from the start.

 

* * *

 

I think Jared is Blue. I think everything makes sense now. Blue told me he was an asshole, and Jared… Well I’ve known him since kindergarten and he really is, how can I say it, bluntly honest to the point where he hurts everyone’s feelings. And he has a sister, just like Blue does. Sister whom he doesn’t get along with because she went to live with Jared’s father. After their parents divorced, they drifted away, and Jared always told me his father didn’t like him because he was gay.

 

But if Jared was Blue all along, why was he surprised when I said that I let go? Because that’s when he recognised me as _Lefen_? It makes sense, every single puzzle pieces fit. I also know that Jared sometimes gets high with one of his camp friends, I think his name is Mike… Or Mitchell or something. Not like I care, except for the fact that it’s just another proof that Jared is Blue. Even the fact that he told me to call him “C” when we started talking. His middle name is Cheilem.

 

I feel so stupid. It’s been there all along and I never noticed. So what now? I can’t have a crush on Blue anymore. I mean, Jared is Blue. I can’t have a crush on Jared, who’s been nothing but horrible to me all these years. And… does that mean that Jared has a crush on me (too)? Or maybe it was only before he knew who I was. I mean, his last email says that he has a crush on me while he knows I’m Evan but maybe everything is just a joke to him. It really seems like it is.

 

I must admit, I hoped that Connor would turn out to be Blue. It would have been great, easy. It would have stopped me from being so confused. Granted, it would have been unrealistic for Connor to have feelings for me, but at least, I wouldn’t have a crush on two people anymore.

 

And now I just realised that Blue is gone. He can no longer be the person who talks to me when I want to disappear. From the beginning, it was nothing but a big joke.

I loved him, even now that I know it was just one of Jared’s joke, I loved Blue. Wether he wanted to or not, he helped me so much. It’s kind of funny how, for once, my intrusive thoughts were right. How nothing about it were real, at least for him.

* * *

 

 

I see Connor waving at me in the distance. We always hang out in the old orchard. It’s where I go when I feel bad. After what happened with my mom, and Blue’s last email, it’s the only place where I feel at ease. It’s even better now that Connor is here with me. I wave back at him but I’m afraid of looking at him. I feel like I’m going to cry if I look up. Knowing he’s not Blue is way too painful, even though, deep down, I always knew. He sits down next to me and picks up my hand. I can feel him staring worryingly at me.

 

“Did you kill another one of your houseplant?”

 

I didn’t expect this question.

 

“What? No, why? Why would you say that?”

“Well last time I saw you looking so miserable, it was because you had killed your cactus, so…”

“It was just a one time thing-accident! I just, I watered it too much so it, so I drowned it. But it was because I forgot? That I had already watered it? I’m not some kind of plant kill-murderer!”

“Hey, chill. What’s wrong then? You look really fucking depressed.”

“Yeah, it’s the depression.”

“Wow, okay, you fucking smartass. Damn, and _I’m_ the asshole.”

“Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to, I didn’t want to make you upset! I shouldn’t have talked to you like that. It’s just, how can I say this…”

 

He has this small smile and faint blush from the cold and it’s so endearing, I find myself crushing even more on him.

 

“I guess, I feel a little bit… heartbroken? in a way?”

 

His brows furrows and he started pouting a bit, I love it when he does that, he looks adorable, despite the _“bad-boy”_ vibe he’s trying to channel.

 

“What do you mean?”

“I just… I realised that a guy I had a crush on wasn’t who I thought he was and… well, now I’m, I guess you can say I’ve had my heart broken.”

 

I smile a little but I know it looks really sad and probably really weird. He doesn’t say anything for a while. He seems to be thinking. Then something flashes in his eyes and he turns violently towards me.

 

“Wait, a guy?!”

“Oh yeah, hum, I’m bi. I guess I should’ve told you before. I didn’t know how you would react.”

“Evan, you know I’m gay, right?”

“Oh, you are?”

 

He stares at me and he doesn’t need to talk for me to understand that he’s saying “Are you fucking kidding me” with his eyes. Ok, I may have had a hunch he was but I was never really sure.

 

“Seriously”, he laughs a bit, “Wait, didn’t you have a crush on my sister?”

“I- how do you- Wha- I don’t! Not anymore! How did you find out?”

“Well first of all, you’re not as subtle as you think you are. And also, I overheard Kleinmann talking about it with you in the halls, last year. I’m pretty sure that’s why I shoved you that one time, now that I think about it.”

“Oh, hum, ok. You know I don’t, I don’t care about that, right? It was last year; and also, I don’t have a crush on Zoe! Anymore! And I promise I didn’t become your friend just to get close to her or anything! I’m sorry!”

“What did we say about ‘sorry’, Hansen? And don’t worry about it. Anyway, the guy who broke your heart, who’s he anyway? Do you need me to fight him?”

“He’s not- please don’t fight anyone! And I don’t- I really don’t want to say his name, because it’ll make everything real. It’s not that I don’t trust you but, it’s complicated. But I used to have a nickname for him? Like a pseudonyme? We’d talk online mostly, and I didn’t- I didn’t know who he was until now.”

“Okay, but how did he deceive you, exactly?”

 

Connor looks really confused. I can’t say I blame him.

 

“The thing is, he found out who I was, you know? And I just realised who he was. And I feel so bad, because I really loved him, you see? He helped me so much, but turns out, it was just a joke for him.”

 

I know I sound really angry right now. But I can’t help it.

 

“How do you know it was only a joke to him?”

 

He sounds hesitant, I don’t know why. Maybe because he feels sorry for me. I know he doesn’t like it when I cry.

 

“I know, because that’s all he ever does. He makes fun of me. All the time. I thought he was my friend. You know, he told me he was an asshole and I always told him that it wasn’t true, but maybe he was right.”

“You… You really think he made fun of you? Don’t you want to give him the benefit of the doubt, maybe?”

 

I don’t answer. I just look down at my phone to see that my mother sent me a text, saying that we need to talk. Everything is happening at the same time. But I know I need to talk to my mom. She’s more important than some teenage drama right now. I get up and text her where I am.

 

“No. I know him. He’s the fucking worst. I can’t- after all he put me through, he can’t say that _this_ was true. He can’t just say that it’s complicated and that he didn’t mean it. He can’t say that he’s not the _monster_ that I’ve always known. I can’t believe I thought we were friends.”

 

I notice now that I’ve let go of Connor’s hand for some time. I miss it already.

 

“If you want to know, his name was _Blue_. I have to go, see you on Monday, I guess.”

* * *

 

 

> **FROM: the.landoftears@gmail.com**
> 
> **TO: anxiousacorn@gmail.com**
> 
> **DATE: October 3rd at 8:54 AM**
> 
> **SUBJECT: Sorry.**
> 
>  
> 
> ** Dear Lefen (or should I call you Evan now?)  **
> 
>  
> 
> ** I understand that you don't want to talk to me anymore, you made it quite clear what you thought of me. And I understand, I do. I'm a terrible person and you finally realised it. I just want you to know that it was not a joke. I know you think it was because that's the kind of person I am, but I would never do that, not to _you_. I love you, Evan Hansen. And I'd like to think you made me into a better person. But I understand how you feel like I lied to you. I really wanted to be your friend (and I'd be lying if I said that I didn't want to be something… More.) **
> 
>  
> 
> ** I'll always love you, no matter what, and I hope that one day you'll be able to forgive me, even if I doubt you ever will (a boy can dream).  **
> 
>  
> 
> ** Forever yours,  **
> 
>  
> 
> ** Me. **

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like this chapter sucks, please tell me if it does. I mean, I don't think I'll do anything about it but still.
> 
> Also, please comment if you liked it.
> 
> Also also, your girl finally has a treatment for a depressed so hopefully I'll get better and will be able to update more regularly.


	10. DEH but Evan actually talks to his mom

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan and Heidi talk. Everything is good in the world. Until it's not.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Helloooo. I'm so sorry I've been so late to update this fic. I promise I'm not giving up on it, it's just been hard lately because of family issues. But I should be able to finish this fic in a few chapters so I hope I won't take too long to write. Thank you so much for following this story even though I'm slow as fuck.

        This is a dreaded conversation. I don’t want it to happen. But I _need_ it. If I want to get better, I need to tell her how I’ve been. How everything feels so bad all the time. How I feel like I have no future. Like I should disappear.

I love my mom. I know how much she had done for me. How much she sacrifices. But I can’t help but need more. I can’t be alone, not when I feel like this. I want her to understand that I need more from her than just a small allowance every week. More than just the regular call everyday just to say that she won’t be home again tonight. I need more than an “I love you” over text. It doesn’t feel real. It feels like I’m a burden- which I already know I am. But I’m aware of the fact that this is just the voice in my head that says that, I know that she loves me. But I need her words, not just a bunch of pixels on my screen which are supposed to make me feel better.

 

“Evan, I’m so sorry you’ve felt like I was not a good mom to you. I really try, you know? I work hard so you’ll have everything you need. But I never noticed that it was so hard on you.”

“It’s not- I know how hard you try! But it’s just- I don’t need you to overwork so you can…buy me new shoes or better clothes? I just want- need? you around? Everything feels too much and I can’t even… talk to you, you know?”

“Evan, sweetheart, you know I’m always there if you need to! You can always call me or text me!”

“But you won’t always answer! Not when i badly need you to! You didn’t answer the day I broke my arm.”

“Oh, honey. I’m so sorry. I know you wanted me there, but I just couldn’t get out of work that day! It must have been horrible for you.”

“It’s not just that, mom. I did something… terrible.”

“What do you mean, Evan?”

“You’ll hate me.”

“Evan, I would never hate you!”

“No but, see, you will! Because I’m a horrible person! Because I’ve done something really bad.”

“I know, Evan, I know what you’ve done, and it’s okay.”

“But it’s not!”

“It is. Listen, I love you. I always will, even if I’m not always there to prove it. You’re the best thing that ever happened to me.”

“I can’t be. I can’t…”

 

I’m crying. I can’t stop the tears from falling. Mom is crying too. She opens her arms, inviting me into a hug.

 

“Come here.”

 

She doesn’t need to ask me twice.

 

“You know, when your dad left, I thought I would break. I believed there was no way I could raise you on my own. But you were so great, you know? You were so helpful around the house, never causing any troubles at school. You had to be an adult way too early. I’m sorry you had to sacrifice your childhood to make it easier for me.”

“It wasn’t, hum, a sacrifice? I know how hard it must have been, to be all alone with a brat.”

“You were never a brat, Evan. You did everything you could! You were— are amazing.”

 

It’s time, I think. It’s time I come clean and tell her the truth.

 

When people talk about depression, they just mention the fact that you’re sad all the time. Sometimes they might include the fact that you’re drained of any energy. They never mention the lack of desire to do anything. The exhaustion that comes from just getting up to go to the toilet. The fact that even taking a shower seems impossible. I know that I should, but I can’t. I can’t get up, I can’t do anything besides laying in bed, thinking that I’d be better off dead or anywhere else but here.

 

One time, I didn’t get out of bed for a week, Mom didn’t notice, I texted her so she thought I wasn’t home. That’s one of the first big lie I told her. That week, I didn’t eat anything. Just drinking would make me puke. At first, I thought that maybe I was sick, but now it happens all the time. I just _can’t_ eat anymore. I don’t know why, maybe my self-disgust is so high that even my brain is reacting to it. Maybe it’s because I’m too fat, so my brain is keeping me from getting even fatter. I don’t know. I just know that me not eating doesn’t help when I can’t get out of bed. Because it makes me have no strength, because it feels as if I’ll just fall as soon as I stand. I tell Mom that. That I feel like I’m half of what I used to be. Because I don’t- or rather I _can’t_ eat. And I feel so weak. And I thought I was getting better. Because I had Blue, who supported me no matter what. But that turned out to be a lie.

 

I feel like everything about my life is a lie. Which is kind of ironic, considering the fact that I lie constantly. Maybe this is karma. I conceal the truth so much that everyone around me does the same. Everything became even worse when I broke my arm. Because, even though no one knew it, I had a visible proof of what I’ve done.

 

“Evan, you don’t need to say it. I know.”

“No, no, you don’t… You don’t know _what_ I’ve done I-“

“It’s okay Evan…”

“No it’s not! I didn’t fall- I didn’t fall from the- I let-”

“Evan, I know. I know what happened and it’s okay. Well, it’s not. But it’s not your fault!”

“But it is! I did that! You don’t realise how- how broken I am!”

“I already know you, Evan. And I love you. And I’m sorry I wasn’t enough. But I knew, when your dad left, that I wouldn’t be able to be here all the time. I knew this would be hard and that I would miss things in your life. I didn’t want to miss that much. I’m so sorry Evan. I was so focused on working for you that I forgot to take care of you.”

“You don’t-You did everything you could. And I wish I could be more grateful but…”

“No Evan, you can’t apologise for feeling like this. I’m your mother. I should never make you feel like you’re unloved.”

“Okay. Can we just- I just want to… spend an evening with you, watching an awful reality tv while we eat gross food, is that… is that okay?”

“Of course it is, buddy. I’ve got you now. I’ll never make you feel alone, ever again. I love you, Evan, more than you could ever think.”

“I love you too mom. Thank you. For not thinking I’m a lost cause, for not thinking I’m broken, like everyone else does.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

The night we spent was the best in a while. We didn’t talk much, we just watched bad television shows and ate gross food. I think I fell asleep at one point. Because I was completely lost. I don’t even remember getting up to go to bed.

My room is silent and dark. I don’t know what time it is. I don’t really want to know. It feels good, being in a haze and not having any responsibilities or any thoughts at all. Just knowing that, somehow, everything is going to be okay.

 

But it’s not, is it? Just because my mom knows about all the times I lied doesn’t mean that I’m suddenly cured. I wish I was but thinking like this is just not realistic at all.

 

I reach for my phone. It’s been buzzing for a while. I hope it’s Connor. I miss talking to him. I miss _him_. At first, the light coming from the phone blinds me, and I blame afternoon-me who had to fidget with the brightness levels because the sun was in his way. It’s apparently 3am and Connor is the one texting me. At first, I get excited but then, I open the texts and it’s really not what I expected.

 

 

> **[Connor]: i’m sorry.**
> 
> **[Connor]: i won’t talk to u again, i promise.**
> 
> **[Connor]: i won’t bother u again.**
> 
> **[Connor]: i just want u 2 know i liked being ur friend. it was fine while it lasted.**
> 
> **[Me]: Connor?????**
> 
> **[Me]: What are you talking about?**

 

I don’t understand what he means. Did he somehow get tired of me? Maybe he does think that I became friends with him because of Zoe. Which is downright stupid because even if that were the case, she’s in a relationship with Alana so clearly nothing would ever happen between us.

 

But I don’t get it. Why would he send this? What have I done? Why now, in the middle of nowhere? It’s Saturday — well I guess Sunday now. Surely if he had something to say to me he could’ve done it Friday. But everything seemed fine at the time. Did he realise that he didn’t want to be friends with a loser like me? Did he notice that I had feelings for him? Maybe he did. And that’s why he decided to end all of this. I should’ve known that this wasn’t going to last. Of course it wasn’t. Who would want someone like me to be in love with them. Connor is gay but he’s not desperate. He’d never want to be with someone like me.

 

Somehow, the good feeling I had earlier after that talk with my mom has completely disappeared. Now I feel hollow again. Broken again. I lost Blue, and now I lost Connor. Two people whom I trusted and loved. I guess not anymore. I’ll probably never stop loving Connor. Because he made me better, he made me appreciate myself a little bit more. But now he’s gone.

 

And I want to throw up again.

 

 

* * *

 

 

> **FROM: anxiousacorn@gmail.com**
> 
> **TO: the.landoftears@gmail.com**
> 
> **DATE: October 6th at 4:11 AM**
> 
> **SUBJECT: the last email.**
> 
>  
> 
> **Blue,**
> 
>  
> 
> **Or should I call you by your real name? I don’t think I want to say it, or write it for that matter.**
> 
>  
> 
> **I thought we were friends. I know you didn’t think we were, I was only the childhood friend you had to talk to because your mom felt bad for me. I don’t blame you for that, but I blame you for reminding me every single day that you didn’t care about me. I blame you for making me feel like I didn’t matter. You don’t know how horrible it felt to be put down for every single thing you did. I get that you had trouble opening up about your emotions, but so did I. I thought I’d come clean in this last e-mail I’m writing to you. I haven’t been honest with you. With either version of you: I said I was in love with you, with Blue. But really, I was in love with who I thought you were. I had this image of you, I wanted to believe you were someone else, and I led you on because I thought you were this person. Turns out you’re not, and I hurt you and for that I am sorry. I never meant to lie to you. If it’s any consolation, I really like this version of you, this “Blue” persona. I loved talking to you. And you were the only person I never lied to. Until now, I guess.**
> 
> **And I probably would have fallen in love with you no matter who you really were in other consequences. But I know you lied to me because you thought you had something to gain from this friendship. After all, you said it at the beginning of the year, didn’t you? That an online relationship like the one we have could only be blackmail. I guess you gave me some hints.**
> 
>  
> 
> **Anyway, I won’t forgive what you’ve done. I don’t ever want to talk to you again.**
> 
> **You know, you hurt me many times, you pushed me away, you mocked me. But I was ready to forgive you for that, but betraying my trust and faking a friendship like that… It’s something even _I_ can’t forgive.**
> 
>  
> 
> **So farewell Blue. You may thing I’m overdramatic, saying that. But I truly mean it. I never want to see — or talk to you again.**
> 
>  
> 
> **Evan.**

 

* * *

 

          When I’m back to school on Monday, I feel alone. It’s even worse than at the beginning of the year. Because at least I had Jared teasing me. But I don’t see him anywhere. Connor doesn’t seem to be here anywhere, which I guess is for the best because I don’t know how I would react to seeing him right now. He hasn’t replied to any of my texts. I’m pretty sure he has me blocked, which wouldn’t surprise me.

 

I go to the computer lab, which is the only place I feel at ease when I’m alone, because no one really knows what you’re doing on the computer. You could be working (which I’m not going to do, obviously) or just play games.

I just want to check my emails, to make sure that Blue— Jared hasn’t replied. Maybe I’m hoping for one; maybe I’m hoping for a better apology, for a real one. Do I want him to feel bad about what he did? I have no idea of what I want.

 

My inbox is empty. I don’t know if I’m disappointed or relieved. I see the computer lab is getting full. Lots of students are trying to get some spots. I guess I should leave since I’m not doing anything important. It’s only after I leave the room that I wonder if I correctly logged out of my gmail account. I probably did, but I can’t remember. It doesn’t really matter anyway. I’m tired and I have to go to class. I don’t really think anything of it until I reach home and log onto the school blog.

 

“Does Evan Hansen have _blue_ -balls?”

 

And under that wonderful title (which makes no sense) are screenshots of the emails I exchanged with Blue. From the beginning to the end. From the first to the last. From my suicide attempt to my final email to Blue.

 

For a few minutes, I feel like I can’t breathe. I don’t know if I’m having a panic attack of if I’m dying. I don’t notice I’m crying at first. I only grew aware of it when my vision became blurry. Mom isn’t here. I don’t know if I should call her (I should). I don’t know if I can call her (I can’t). I don’t feel anything, yet I feel everything. I feel every single heartbeat, every shaky breath, every tear falling down my cheeks. I feel my heart breaking inside of my chest. My head hurts so much I feel like I’m going to pass out. I’ve been outed at my school. Outed as a bisexual and as a depressed, suicidal maniac. By someone I don’t even know.

 

 

* * *

 

 

> **[Jared]: Holy shit dude**
> 
> **[Jared]: have u seen the blog post about u**
> 
> **[Jared]: lol**
> 
> **[Jared]: srsly tho u ok?**
> 
>  
> 
> **[Connor]: evan?**
> 
> **[Connor]: can u answer pls**
> 
>  
> 
> _[3] missed calls from [Connor]._
> 
>  
> 
> **[Connor]: evan pls i need to know ur alright**
> 
> **[Connor]: ??????**

 

* * *

 

 

> **FROM: the.landoftears@gmail.com**
> 
> **TO: anxiousacorn@gmail.com**
> 
> **DATE: October 7th at 6:33 PM**
> 
> **SUBJECT: Not me.**
> 
>  
> 
> **Evan,**
> 
>  
> 
> **I’ve read your last email a million times and I really can’t make sense of it at all. I don’t know if I’m relieved or scared but I think you mistook me for someone. From what your last email said, you describe me as your childhood friend and while it’s true that we’ve known each other from kindergarten, we were not friends until this year. Nor were we “family-friends”. I think you thought I was Jared, which I am not. I don’t know if I want to tell you who I am yet, which is completely unfair, I know. But I want you to know that I am not the person who you think I am. I hope you can believe me.**
> 
>  
> 
> **Sincerely,**
> 
>  
> 
> **Blue (Not Jared).**
> 
>  
> 
>  

* * *

 

 

> **FROM: the.landoftears@gmail.com**
> 
> **TO: anxiousacorn@gmail.com**
> 
> **DATE: October 7th at 6:51 PM**
> 
> **SUBJECT: No subject**
> 
>  
> 
> **Evan, I am so sorry about the post. I just saw it. I want you to know I had nothing to do with it. Please believe me. Also, I need to know if you’re okay. You’re not answering any of my texts and I’m really worried about you. I beg you, please answer me.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed this chapter and this story in general. Please leave a comment if you liked this chapter or if you have anything to say to me!
> 
> If you want to talk, you can also find me on Twitter because I'm literally always online: @LigyroNycto
> 
> Thank you for reading my story!

**Author's Note:**

> I'm writing this fic as a very unhealthy way to cope with my own depression so Evan's thoughts are kind of inspired by mine. Also, English is not my first language so please tell me if I make mistakes or whatever.
> 
> I'll try to update quickly but I'm not known for being the best at keeping a schedule. 
> 
> Please feel free to leave a comment telling what's good and wrong so I can get better.  
> I also have a tumblr: cleithronycto  
> and a twitter: @LigyroNycto (tho a lot of my posts are in french, sorry not sorry).
> 
> See you soon, I guess.


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